


The Sacrifices we Make

by CatelynJones



Series: Sacrifices [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Protective Family, Self-Harm, Sorry guys, available, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-07-27 16:40:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynJones/pseuds/CatelynJones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When something isn't quite right with Alec, Magnus starts to dig and finds something he didn't really expect.</p><p>Alec centric, but with some offshoots into Jace and Izzy land. Am I planting the seed for a future work? Who knows?!</p><p>Set in the canon universe, when Malec is well established and stable.</p><p>Russian translation by Batty_blue available  <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/9270809/chapters/21011309">here</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the first chapter of the rewrite. I re-read my story a month or so ago and realised it felt rushed and under explained. I can do better. Also, I want to write a sequel, but in the TV universe.  
> So its retcon time!

Alec and Jace stood side by side at the entrance of the warehouse and waited. It was dark, even with their rune-enhanced vision, and a black demon in a dark warehouse was difficult at the best of times.

Alec closed his eyes and listened. He let his mind filter through the sounds that surrounded him. He heard the distant traffic, and he heard his companion's breath. But he also a subtle scuttling-slithering noise. Alec opened his eyes and nudged Jace.

'Over there', Alec whispered, pointing to the far corner of the abandoned building.

Jace squinted into the dark, 'You sure?'

Alec just sighed in response and slowly started towards the corner.

Jace shook his head and grinning, drew his seraph blade. As much as he like the weapon, it was a bit of a bitch that it instantly gave away your position. Who the hell decided that SHADOWhunters should have a blade that fucking lights up? By the Angel, it was a nightmare.

Jace pushed past his parabati, rushing towards the sound. He rolled an illuminated ball across the floor. It cast a bright light in all directions, exposing every corner of the warehouse and blinding the ravener demon they had been stalking.

It stood a mere meter in front of Jace, drawing itself up to its full height and was preparing to strike.

Alec stood still in his original position near the doorway. As a hunter with a ranged weapon, he was well used to having to hang back. Alec flicked his wrist and extended his bow. He spotted a stack of crates, that would form the perfect vantage point. With slow, measured steps, the archer takes his perch. He lifted his bow with one arm and pulled an arrow from his quiver with the other. Alec knocked his arrow and drew the string back to his ear. He tried to ignore the way his muscles pulled, both feeling too heavy and too light. Shaking his head slightly, Alec watched the demon and his partner clash and waited for an opening.

Alec let his breath and heartbeat slow. He saw his opening, and let himself lose the arrow.

Alec watched with horror as, for the first time in the field, the arrow sailed past its mark. He wasted no time in pulling out another arrow and firing, though he needn’t have bothered. As the arrow flew through toward the demon, Jace jumped, raised his arm and brought it down in a diagonal slash across the belly of the ravener demon. He landed in a graceful crouch as the object of the night’s hunt exploded into a rain of glowing embers.

Alec tried to shake off the failure of the missed shot and walked toward Jace and reached a hand down to his parabatai to help him up from the ridiculous position he landed in.

“Clary isn't here you know, and you don't have to look cool for me. I've seen you vomit on your dick while taking a piss behind the Hunter’s Moon.”

Jace grabbed the extended hand and stood up.

“What?”, Jace looked confused, “ Why don't I remember that...?”

“Well, you wouldn't would you? You drank the entire jug of sangria the girls bought as well as those five shots of tequila.”

Jace paused, “Huh. Well, that explains why Clary forced me to shower when we got back to the Institute. And where the rash came from.”

Alec laughed, “Yeah stomach acid on sensitive skin will do that. And you're lucky she's so kind. If that had been Magnus, I would have filmed it and made him sleep on the sofa till he sobered up.”

Alec turned to leave the warehouse, “There was just the one demon to kill right?”

“Yeah, that was all the brief said. I can't see a second demon just hanging out, hiding and waiting when there are Nephilim to kill.” Jace paused and scratched his head, “Do you want to get the...”

“Do I what?” Alec raised an eyebrow as Jace pointedly avoided eye contact. Alec rolled his eyes, “C'mon, spit it out.”

Jace squared his shoulders and looked Alec in the eye, “do you want to go get the arrow?”

Alec froze. Jace had noticed. He had noticed, and he knew it was something to be ashamed about.

“Yeah, I guess I should.” Alec chewed his lip, “It would be wasteful to leave it behind.”

Alec took a breath and walked over to where the offending arrow lay on the ground and picked it up. He held it carefully, examining the shaft and the feathers. Nothing looked out of place. There was no reason for the arrow to miss. He closed his hand around the shaft and tried to ignore the way it trembled. Placing the arrow back in his quiver, Alec pushed passed his brother and made his way towards the door. The hairs on the back stood up. Alec _knew_ the warehouse was empty, but he couldn’t shake the feeling something horrible was right behind him.

Jace thought about saying something, but for the first time in his life, he clamped it shut. Alec had never missed a shot during a mission. Sure, he missed plenty as a kid in training, but as an adult, Alec didn’t take a shot he wasn’t 100% confident making. And but the set of the other man’s shoulders, Alec was taking it hard.

Jace jumped slightly as his phone buzzed. Looking down he checked the message and nudged his brother, “Hey, got a text from Iz, we need to get back to the Institute ASAP. Feeling up for a bit of a light jog?”

Jace tried to force their usual playful banter, but Alec just sighed, “Yeah, let’s head back.” The brunette turned and set a pace that would leave any mundane in the dust, but was relatively slow in comparison to their usual pace.

As the Institute came into view, Jace stopped and grabbed Alec's arm, “Hey, you ok?”

“Why do you think I'm not?” Alec’s face was blank, his voice impassive.

Jace raised an eyebrow at his unexpectedly cold tone and dropped a hand to his hip, rubbing the parabati rune. “You just don’t _feel_ right. And you seem kinda out of breath from the run, and your aim was off on the hunt. I just want to check in on you.”

In an uncharacteristic show of empathy, Jace placed his hand on his brother’s forearm.

“What? Am I not allowed to miss every now and then? Pretty sure I can't be the perfect Shadowhunter all the time.” Alec countered.

Jace let go of his arm and put his hands up, “Hey, no complaints from me! It was nice to actually get a swing in before you finished the demon off! And we are still home in time for me to get a little _work_ in before dinner. If you know what I mean,” he finished with a wink.

Alec turned away making a noise of disgust, “I do NOT want to think about what you mean. I have no idea what you straights do together, AND I am not keen to learn,” he finished as Jace went to open his mouth. He closed it with a smirk.

Tension well and truly broke and the topic successfully changed, they Alec walked up the steps to the Institute and Jace followed. As Alec walked away with his back turned, Jace bit his lip. Something wasn't right, but there was no chance he was going to get an answer out of his brother, this was something that required someone with slightly more skill. Isabelle always said Jace had all the tact of a howitzer.

°ºOº°

Alec went up to his old room, closed the door behind him and leaned against it. Closing his eyes, he slid down to sit on the floor. Alec took a second to rest his head in his hands before taking a deep breath and beginning to undo his combat boots.

Alec rarely stayed at the Institute these days. Why would he when he had a gorgeous man waiting for him at a swanky Brooklyn loft? No, Alec didn’t live here anymore, but he did find it useful to have a place to come back to clean up and change before going home. The Institute was a place of work, it didn't have to be his home too.

Alec stood up and tried to ignore the way his head spun a little. Shaking it off he walked over to the bed and stripped off his jacket, socks, and vest. Alec balled it all up and threw it in the basket as his phone made a noise. He went to grab his phone as the ball of dirty clothes made it into the basket.

_Well, at least that hit its mark..._

Alec swiped his thumb across the screen and answered the call, “Hey Mags, I'll be home soon.”

“Yeah no worries love, just wanted to see if you'd be wanting dinner when you got here.”

“Nah, it’s all good. I’ll grab something from the kitchens here. I’m way too hungry to hold out, even for your delicious cooking,” Alec replied.

“Aw love, you know I was just going to portal in some take out.”

Alec laughed, “Pft, it’s your skill that gets it here, so I say it counts.”

Magnus laughed gently, “Well if you insist, then I am indeed fabulous. How did the hunt go?”

Alec sighed, “Yeah it was alright.”

Magnus paused, “Just alright? Did anything happen?”

“Why? Did Jace speak to you?” Alec snapped, immediately on the defensive.

“Uhh no? I was just making conversation because I care about you and your life. Are you _sure_ everything is ok?”

“Yes, it went perfectly fine. Now go away so I can shower and I'll see you soon,” Alec walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a towel and some clean clothes, phone pressed between his ear and shoulder.

Alec could hear Magnus sigh. “Ok darling, I love you, and I'll see you soon.”

“Love you too,” Alec replied, ending the call and stepping into the bathroom.

°ºOº°

Jace stood in the training room, throwing daggers at a board when his cell phone rang. He put the phone to his ear, “Magnus, to what do I owe the pleasure. I think Alec just got in the shower, I can get him to call you when he gets out if you want?”

A sigh came down the line, “I'm actually calling to talk to you.”

“Oh?” Jace put down his daggers, “what's up?”

Magnus took a deep breath, “Did something happen on your mission tonight?”

Jace ran his hand through his hair, “Yeah kinda? Maybe? I’m not really sure. Look, it was nothing major, but Alec just seemed kinda off or something.”

“What do you mean ‘off’?” Magnus prompted.

“Magnus, I really don't like speaking about Alec behind his back. I feel like I'm making something out of nothing,” Jace said.

“I have a feeling you aren't,” Magnus's tone was concerned, “I asked Alec how the mission went, and his first reaction was to get defensive. So using my incredible powers of deduction, I figured you might have something to tell me. Whatever you think, Alec doesn't seem to believe that it's nothing."

Jace sighed, dropping his hand to rub unconsciously at his parabati rune. It had been aching dully for months now, but he thought it was just the stress of heading up the Institute. Maybe it was something more…

“Alec missed tonight.”

“Missed? Missed what?”

“Missed a shot. With his bow. From like 40ft away.”

Magnus paused, “I know Alec’s good, but is it really that big of a deal? I mean, everyone gets-”

Jace cut him off, “The target was a big ass ravener demon who was too stunned by the sudden of light to move. And I saw Alec check the arrow and the bow, there was nothing wrong with either one. Also, on the run home Alec was out of breath and kinda pale.”

Magnus was silent for awhile. Jace could imagine him pacing across the insanely expensive carpet of his loft. “I'll talk to him when he gets home. I'm sure it's nothing. He's allowed to have an off day right?”

“Yeah, just... Look after him, I don't know why, but something just doesn't feel right. Look, I have to go. Iz and Clary are downstairs making dinner, and I'm starved.”

“I thought you guys had eaten already?”

“Nah we waited until Clary got back. She wanted to cook for some reason. I hate her cooking, but if it makes her happy, it makes me happy.”

“You are so gross,” Magnus chuckled

“Yeah well, so are you and Alec. Catch ya later warlock.”

And with that, he hung up. Magnus looked down at the phone in his hand. Why would Alec lie about dinner? He shrugged it off and went back to the essential task of playing with Chairman Meow.

°ºOº°

Alec sat on the floor of the shower and let the hot water flow over him. He knew that this was a waste of water, and the Institute would not approve, but he needed a second, and apparently, the shower was the one place where he could get one.

He  _was_  off his game. He missed that freaking demon today, and it was right in front of him. If Alec couldn’t even make that shot, how could be expected to teach the others, or have their back in the field?

Alec held his hand in front of his face and tried to keep it steady. The traitorous appendage shook like a leaf, no wonder he hadn't made the shot. He let his head rest against the wall, and his hand falls to the floor. Everything felt like lead. It was irresponsible of him to let Jace put his life in hands Alec couldn't even hold still. He knew better than that. Jace was his brother, his parabatai, they were meant to fight together as partners. He refused to tie his brother to someone who he couldn't count on. He had to be better than that. Mind over matter, Alec could do this.

Alec slammed his fist into the white tiles of the shower. He watched with a strange fascination as the water dripped over the newly cracked ceramic and as the brand new split in his knuckle coloured the water pink.

It stung.

It stung, but Alec was surprised to find that it cleared his head some.

That wasn’t normal, was it? Alec shook his head and chose not to examine it too much.

Alec pushed his way off the tiles and turned off the water. Grabbing his towel, he walked out of the shower and into his room. Alec was toweling his hair when he realised he wasn't alone. He froze and then breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Magnus sitting on the bed.

“I uh... Like the view,” Magnus smirked and looked his boyfriend up and down.

Looking down Alec realised that the towel was on his head and not around his waist, “Well I was meant to be alone!”

In a flash Magnus was in front of him, arms wrapped around Alec's waist. He looked up into his mortal lover's eyes and pouted, “Well you can put pants on if you really want to…”

Alec took a step back, extracting himself from Magnus's arms, and wrapped the towel around his waist. Magnus sighed, “well at least I can still see your abs.”

“You are incorrigible.”

“I am, aren't I?” Magnus flopped back onto the bed.

“Is there any reason you have come to collect me?”

Magnus raised an eyebrow, “You were going to be at mine almost an hour and a half ago, I got worried.” He shrugged.

Alec walked over to the dresser to get dressed, “Sorry, I was in the shower.”

“For an hour? I thought you might have drowned.”

Alec rolled his eyes, “How do you drown in the shower?”

“I don't know, with an hour to think about it, maybe you worked it out."

Now fully dressed, Alec sat down next to Magnus. “Seriously babe, why are you here? It can't be easy to get inside the Institute, and you knew I'd be over eventually.”

“Yeah, but shut up and accept my portal. So sue me for not wanting my boyfriend to travel halfway across the city by himself, late at night, when he already went for a run today.” With a flourish, a portal appeared in the bathroom doorway, and Magnus got up from the bed and held out a hand, “C'mon love, let's go to bed.”

Alec looked up and grabbed the offered hand. He allowed himself be pulled through the portal and into the bedroom he actually felt at home in. “Look, Magnus, we're home now, can we just go to bed? Please? You're right, I'm tired, and I'm a little sore from the other day. I just need a good night's sleep.”

Magnus sighed, and then smiled, “Yeah, ok. If that's what you want to do, then that's what we'll do.”

He walked to the bed, sat down and kicked off his Italian shoes and unbuttoned his leather pants. Magnus looked up at Alec, who was still standing exactly where the portal had left him. Arms crossed tightly across his chest, eyes closed. “Alec?”

Alec opened his eyes and shook himself slightly. He walked over to the bed as he shed his shirt and shoes and dropped down on to what he had claimed as his side of the bed. Making a small noise of contentment, he pulled the sheet over his body and rolled to look at Magnus. “Mags, really, I just need a good night's sleep. I'm fine, I swear.”

Magnus's face twitched slightly, but he stripped down to his boxer briefs and climbed into the bed and pulled his lover closer. “Ok, if you swear you are fine, then you are fine.”

Not that Magnus really believed him, but he also knew Alec had been up since the crack of dawn and really did need the sleep. He resigned himself to dealing with it tomorrow.

As Alec curled closer into Magnus's chest, he waved a hand, and the lights went out. In the dark of the bedroom, Magnus listened as Alec’s breaths evened out and he settled into the easy pattern of sleep.

Magnus brushed the hair back from his boyfriend’s forehead, before summoning a burst of energy to take care of the light scratches and bruises from the day’s training and hunt. He turned Alec’s hand over in his own as his magic healed the split in the skin over his knuckles.

Sighing, he kissed his young lover’s forehead as he pulled him tighter into his embrace.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Alec runs. His feet pounding out a steady rhythm. It's soothing, it's predictable.

It’s sending sharp pains through his shins.

This has become his routine. Weaving in and out of the mundane crowds, losing himself in the steady _in-and-out_ of his breath and the ache in his chest and legs.

Shadowhunters don’t drive, and Alec relies on his endurance to get himself around the city. Your ability to run hard and fast can be the difference between life and death. This is training as much as it is a form of meditation. He sucks air in through his nose and allows himself to exhale slowly.

It’s before dawn and Alec is running through around the edge of Central Park. In the dim light of the morning, he misjudges the depth of a step and lands heavily, and his ankle turns beneath him. His toes are suddenly numb, and Alec knows he heard something crack. Slowly, the pain sets in, but Alec barely alters his stride. Can’t let a turned ankle get in the way of a hunt.

_You've just got to learn to push through, to control your reactions and feelings._

He speeds up.

It's early morning, the sun has just begun to rise, and people aren't yet thick on the streets. Alec used to jog glamoured, but it became too difficult to avoid slamming into people, so now he dresses in generic mundie exercise gear and heads out early. They say NY is the city that never sleeps, and they were right, but there are definitely some times of day when it is taking a groggy nap.

Alec stops at an all-night store and grabs an energy drink. Magnus always bugs him about his Redbull addiction, convinced it will end with a heart attack, but Alec just can't bring himself to grab a coffee while the temperature is in double digits. Coffee is for cold mornings and bleary eyes, Redbull is an all-seasons drink. It also takes substantially less effort to acquire.

Looking at the time, Alec realises it's probably time to start heading home.

Two hours and a whole lot of sweat later he's walking up to Magnus's building in the swanky, yet artsy part of Brooklyn. There were times when Alec hated the distance between the two parts of his life, but today he was glad for the separation.

Unlocking the door, he saw the most beautiful man in the world buzzing around the kitchen making himself breakfast. At the sound of the door opening, Magnus turned around and smiled.

“Hey! I see you are back from your run.”

“Obviously,” Alec replied, “It’d be hard to walk through the door if I wasn't.”

“Well aren't we hilarious?” Magnus muttered, “I'm just making some breakfast, can I tempt you into having some bacon?”

Alec opened his mouth to decline, but it was at that point that his stomach let out a rather loud rumble. He walked into the kitchen, “Yeah... Big day ahead of us at the Institute, bacon may not be a bad idea.”

Magnus turned away to grab some, but not before Alec caught a strange expression on his face.

_Mags isn't judging me for saying yes, is he? That'd be crazy. He offered it, he cooked extra, he wanted me to have the damn bacon._

Alec was broken out of his internal monologue by crispy offering in question hitting his plate. Along with a poached egg, a slice of toast and a single piece of parsley. He looked up at Magnus, “What?” Magnus exclaimed, “it's for decoration!”

Alec laughed and desperately tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as Magnus sat down opposite him. He was going to sit with him while he ate. Alec picked up his cutlery and looked down at the pile of food, trying to block out the sounds of the person opposite him cheerfully chowing down on his own breakfast.

_C'mon Alec, it's just bacon. You got this. You need to put the things in your mouth, chew and swallow otherwise we're going to end up where we were yesterday. Missing easy shots and almost getting our team killed. You ran 10 miles this morning, you kill demons for a living. You can conquer bacon. This is NOT a big deal._

With that thought, he started to cut up his meal.

°ºOº°

Magnus really hadn't expected him to say yes. He expected Alec to say he ate during his run, or that he would grab a bite at the Institute. But that doesn't mean he missed the colour draining from his partner's face as it became clear that Magnus wasn't leaving him to eat alone.

Something was definitely up.

He didn't have enough evidence yet to say for sure what was happening, but after 400 years of life, you get pretty cluey. But with that experience came the knowledge that if he didn't have a rock solid argument, Alec would just worm his way out of it.

“Much on today? Magnus asked, breaking the strained silence.

“Nothing out of the ordinary, training this morning, then patrols with Jace this evening. I might be home kinda late.”

Magnus waved a hand, “Don't stress, I've actually got today off, so I'll just be here. Alone. Staring at the door. Waiting for you to come home.” Magnus winked and threw his boyfriend his patented million dollar smile.

Alec rolled his eyes, “You're not alone! You have a cat!”

“Now doesn't that just sound pathetic?” Magnus scoffed, “Home alone with my cat, waiting for my man to come along and entertain me.”

“You are perfectly capable of entertaining yourself Magnus,” Alec retorted.

“Maybe I will  _entertain_  myself!”

Alec was feigning horror when his phone beeped. He looked down at it and then frowned. “It's Jace. Apparently, little Mr. Grumpy got woken up early and wants to start now that he's awake.”

Standing up from his half-finished meal, Alec walked behind Magnus and wrapped his arms around Magnus's neck and kissed him on the forehead. “I love you, but I have to go to work.”

Magnus pulled one of his trademark pouty faces and tipped his head back and tapped his lips gently. Alec obliged by pressing his lips to them and cupping Magnus's face.

“Kissing like this is very unsexy. Spiderman really has a lot to answer for,” Magnus said.

Alec laughed, “I love you, don't have too much fun without me!”

“Love you too, please be safe on patrol!” Magnus called after Alec as he headed out the door. As the door closed behind his favourite ass in the world, Magnus sighed.

He magicked the dirty dishes into the dishwasher and grabbed his phone.

“Izzy, I need to talk to you.”

°ºOº°

Isabelle Lightwood had just gotten out of the shower when her phone rang.

Picking it up she was unsurprised to hear Magnus's voice on the other end of the line. After what happened yesterday and her conversation with Jace, she was wondering when the warlock would call her for the goss.

Isabelle and Magnus were surprisingly close. He WAS dating her brother, but it had more to do with their shared love of the finer points of fashion. She was glad to see that some of it was rubbing off on her stubbornly utilitarian brother.

“Magnus, what's up?”

“Did Jace talk to you last night?” he asked instead of answering.

“Yeah, he said something about Alec seeming 'off.' If Jace can pick up on some emotional distress, then it must be pretty bad.”

Magnus laughed, “Sadly, that was my thought as well.” He paused, “I just wanted to ask you something. Do you know if Alec has plans for dinner tonight?”

Taken slightly aback by the question, Isabelle took a second to answer, “None that I know of. Doesn't he usually go home and have dinner with you...?”

“No. For the last few months, Alec has been telling me he's been eating with you at the Institute. Something about wanting to have a family dinner.”

Isabelle sat on the edge of her bed. And thought carefully. “If he hasn't been here, and he hasn't been with you... Then where has he been going?”

Magnus replied sadly, “I don't know...”

°ºOº°

Alec was free sparring with Jace when Isabelle walked in. He looked up and smiled at her, earning himself a punch in the face. In the process, Alec tripped over a loose corner of the crash mat and fell to the ground. He let the shock of the fall wear off and opened his eyes to see Jace doubled over laughing.

“You should see your face!”

Instead of replying, Alec quickly lunged at Jace and tackled him to the ground. What was a bit of light sparring had suddenly devolved into a high-stakes wrestling match.

“Boys, boys, boys...” Isabelle tutted, “don't you know that this never ends well?” She grabbed her whip and used it to pull Jace off balance, leaving him flat on his back and then as Alec went to gain the upper hand, she pushed him back down with her foot.

“If you two are quite done, we have a job to do, so maybe get changed into your mission gear.”

Jace raised an eyebrow, “Where are we off to?”

“Apparently, there is something demonic hanging around by the Central Park Zoo. No idea what or how many, but its scent is scaring the animals.”

“Animals seem to be a fair bit smarter than the mundanes then,” Alec huffed.

“No shit,” Jace added.

“C'mon, less gabbing, more stabbing,” shouted Isabelle as she hurried the two boys out the door of the training room.

Once Alec was out the door and down the corridor, Isabelle grabbed Jace and pulled him into a side room.

“What are you doing,” Jace whispered with irritation.

“Look, you were right. Something is up with Alec. I got a call from Magnus this morning. Apparently, all those nights Alec has been rushing home to have dinner with Magnus, Magnus thought he was having a 'family dinner' here with us.”

Jace stared at his adoptive sister, “What?”

Isabelle rolled her eyes, “He's been lying about where he goes for about 3 hours every night. For the last few months.”

Jace continued to stare at Isabelle. Jace was one of the best fighters she had ever seen, but holy hell he was an idiot. She had no idea how Clary put up with him.

“If he isn't with us,” Jace started slowly, “and he isn't with Magnus, then where is he?”

Isabelle could have screamed. Instead, she just threw her hands up in the air and huffed, “If I knew that, then why would I have dragged you into a storage cupboard to tell you?!”

“Do you think he is cheating on Magnus?” asked Jace.

“No, I do not think he is cheating on Magnus!! Have you met our brother? Can you imagine him cheating on Magnus? He looks at him like he's a god.”

“Well, then why is he sneaking around?” Jace continued to look confused and then whispered, “Do you think it’s drugs?”

Isabelle rolled her eyes, “Look, I don't know, but I'm coming with you today. Alec clearly isn't at his best, and as much I love him, I also love you, and I don't want either of you getting hurt. You rely too much on his ability to stop you from doing stupid things.”

Jace rolled his eyes and stepped back out into the corridor.

“We've got 15 mins to get out the door,” Isabelle said, “so hurry up and get ready.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus spent his unusually quiet morning pottering around the house, flicking through Etsy for a stupid gift for his boyfriend and watching trashy reality TV.

He was bored out of his brain.

How did the mundanes do it? A whole day with nothing to do was almost unheard of during his long centuries of life. Once upon a time, people filled their lives with struggling to make it to the next one, but now so many people had hours to spend at their leisure. Magnus could just not get used to it. He filled every day with clients and in the odd dead spot he tried to do odd jobs for the people he cared about. Alec had been trying to convince his boyfriend that occasionally it was a good thing to relax. Seemed a bit rich coming from Mr. Train-every-second.

Magnus sighed, the only one who seemed to be enjoying themselves was Chairman Meow who was delighted that he had someone to play with. The little cat had totally ruined the hem of his expensive lounge pants, but the warlock could not find it in his heart to care. He reached down to scratch the feline’s ears and was rewarded with a canine tooth to the finger.

Shaking his finger free, Magnus let his head hit the back of the sofa, and he let out a groan.

_C'mon, just a single client. SOMETHING. Are you actually telling me that there is nothing in this godforsaken state that needs a little magic....?_

As if that thought had summoned the devil, the front door burst open and in tumbled his worst nightmare.

There was a very short list of people who had permission to enter Magnus’s building without an escort, and Magnus did not want to see a single one of those people being dragged across his threshold. Especially when they were leaving a trail blood behind them.

Standing, Magnus strode across the room and took in the scene before him.

Jace and Isabelle each had an arm around their shoulders and that arm was attached to black-clad shoulders that blended into a horribly familiar, yet ashen face.

“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?” roared Magnus, “YOU HAD  _ONE_  JOB, ONE!”

Isabelle was crying, so it was Jace that answered. He was pale and sweaty and clearly struggling to keep it together. “We went down to the Zoo to investigate some possible demonic activity. Alec was hanging back, you know, so he can fire off arrows. Iz and I heard something so we ducked down between two buildings to check it out, and Alec didn't follow us. We heard him scream....”

They put their brother on Magnus’s $4000 couch and tried to ignore the way his blood was seeping into the upholstery.

Isabelle sniffed, “Turns out the demonic activity was a herd of ravener demons. Ten of them maybe? We got to him so fast, but they were already on him...”

Magnus took a deep breath, “Do you know how many times he was stung?' Looking at his wounds, Magnus could tell there was a hell of a lot of venom moving through Alec's veins.

Jace answered as Magnus pushed up his sleeves, “No. I've got no idea...”

The warlock took a deep breath and tried to push his emotions to the side. There is a time to panic, but this was not it. He took a deep breath and tapped into the bright, blue core within him.

Blue light began to wrap itself around Alec's body, lifting him off the couch slightly. Magnus's face was a picture of concentration and focus as he turned and strode to the kitchen. The blue light connected him to Alec, forming a thick rope of pulsing light, flowing from his heart to that of his lover. Alec was still hovering a few inches eerily from the cushions. Every now and again, blood would drip from his body and soak into the fabric.

Isabelle walked over to Magnus, “What can I do?”

“If you wanted to help, you could have just protected him in the field!” Isabelle took a step back like she had been slapped. Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I'm sorry, that wasn't fair,” Magnus turned to his friend and smiled sadly, “Just go sit with him and tell me if the blue light fades or he moves. I need to keep him frozen while I mix up this potion. We don’t have a lot of time, and I’m trying to buy him as much as I can.”

Isabelle quickly moved out of his was as the warlock worked, opting to go and sit next to Jace, staring at their brother.

As Magnus worked, he found himself falling prey to the thoughts swirling around his head.

Magnus  _knew_  something was going to happen today. He had a feeling. If only he decided to actually talk to his boyfriend this morning instead of letting Alec go off to his death...

_No. That's not fair. He's not dead until I say he's dead._

Potion finished, he returned to Alec's terrifyingly still body.

“Here,” Magnus handed the potion to Isabelle as Jace seemed to have frozen, staring blankly at his brother, “drop this into his mouth bit by bit. If you drop it in too fast, he'll choke, too slowly and it won't work in time. So, y'know, no pressure.”

Isabelle took the small bowl of liquid and the teaspoon and started to feed it past her brother's pale lips. She tried to focus on her own little job, tried to ignore how lifeless Alec looked.

Ravener venom hurt like hell. It literally burnt you from the inside out, so she was glad at least that Alec was out cold, but god. She wished he could show her _some_ sign of life. Some indication that they were helping.

For the next hour, she spooned potion into Alec's mouth, and Magnus chanted. Jace sat motionless next to Alec. At some point, he slumped sideways. Magnus didn't even lift his head. Not even as the blonde collapsed into the warlock’s leg. Isabelle jumped slightly at the movement, but Magnus didn’t twitch.

“I'm using the parabatai bond to help support Alec. Trying to buy me enough time to get on top of this... I must have pushed Jace past what I should have.”

Isabelle nodded, as she took in Jace’s prone form.

Magnus spared him a short glance, “I’ve cut the connection now, he will need to rest, but he will be fine.”

They both worked in silence until Isabelle started to scrape the bottom of the bowl. “That's the last of it, Magnus.”

Magnus sighed, “Ok. We might be in with a chance here then...”

After another 15 minutes that felt like an eternity, Magnus stopped chanting, and Alec was gently lowered to the floor.

The second the warlock's magic no longer surrounded him, Isabelle dived on her oldest brother. His face had some colour, and his wounds were mostly gone, deep gashes replaced by angry looking bruises.

“What's the verdict?” she whispered.

Magnus had slumped to the ground by his partner, it was as if his strings had been cut. “He'll live. I couldn't heal his injuries fully, but the venom is gone. We need to get him to bed. He’s going to need to sleep this one off for quite some time.”

Isabelle looked at her friend, his face was drawn, the colour entirely drained. Even Magnus's hair sat limply against his forehead. “I need to get you to bed as well. You look like shit Magnus. Can you even stand?”

In response, Magnus tried to stand and promptly fell on his ass. Isabelle stood up and scooped the surprisingly light warlock up in her arms.  
“Are you part bird?” She asked, “you must be part bloody bird, you feel like you have hollow bones....”

Magnus mumbled a reply, “It's a warlock thing... I have magic, I don't need to be built like a gladiator…”

Isabelle laid him down in his bed, “Well it's good you're not. I don't think I could shift all three of you if you were. I’m strong, but I’m bloody tired too… Are Alec and Jace ok to move?”

Magnus pried an eye open, “Jace will need a nap and a good feed, but he'll be okay. Bring Alec here. Carefully. I'll watch over him.” And with that final word, Magnus passed out.

Isabelle returned to the boys in the other room. She checked on Jace first, unable to look at Alec yet. Jace just seemed to be asleep, breathing deeply, heartbeat steady. Isabelle shook him firmly and managed to rouse him enough that she could drag him, rather than carry him to the spare bed. She helped him strip off his grimy clothes and pulled back the duvet. Rather unceremoniously pushed her adopted sibling into the bed and pulled the sheet over him. Isabelle smiled as Jace made a small snuffling noise he would never admit to making.

With a sigh, Isabelle pushed the hair back from her brother’s forehead and made her way back into the living room and to Alec.

He looked so frail lying on the sofa. Alec loomed over her usually, being a right foot taller than she was, but as she bent down to lift him into her arms, she was reminded of just how big her brother really was.

Isabelle was grateful for all the days she spent trying to out lift the boys in the gym. She knew they thought she was just stubborn, but realistically, Isabelle knew she had to be able to carry her brothers if she had to.

Slowly, she walked into the bedroom and placed Alec on the floor of the en-suite bathroom. She stripped Alec out of his bloody clothes and used a damp washcloth to wipe away the worse of the grime. As Isabelle removed the dried blood from his chest, she saw something on his torso. Under the bruises and the runes, there was something else. A series of short, even, raised white lines. Isabelle ran her fingers over them, recognising what they were in an instant. How could she not?

She ran a hand over he braid and sighed. This was an issue for tomorrow. When everyone involved was alive. And conscious.

She scooped Alec back up into her arms and carried him to bed, quickly tucking him in and pressing a kiss to his forehead. Isabelle rested a hand on Magnus’s foot on the way past as she returned to the living room, mind buzzing.

She steeled herself against the thoughts running through her head.

°ºOº°

Jace was the first to rise. Four hours after they had burst through Magnus's front door, Jace tumbled out of bed. Loudly, he began to rifle through the pantry.

“What are you doing?”

Jace jumped out of his skin at the sound. He hadn't given much thought to who else would be around. He whipped around to see Isabelle standing opposite him, arms crossed, making such a good impression of their mother that he actually considered just running from the room.

“I, uhhhhh, I was hungry....?” Jace stammered.

Isabelle uncrossed her arms and pushed him out of the way, “Magnus said you would be. Sit down, shut up and I'll make you some food.”

“What do you mea....” Jace stopped suddenly, “Is Alec....”

“At last check, Alec was alive.” Isabelle heard Jace let out a big breath, “Magnus drew power through you and into Alec via the parabatai bond. You passed out about 40 minutes into the whole thing.”

“Shit,” Jace rubbed his face which was showing some stubble, “I don't remember anything past getting in the door.”

“It's fine, Alec is alive, you are alive, Magnus is alive, I am alive. What more could we ask for when we started with one almost not alive brother?”

Isabelle dumped a stack of toast and a bowl of baked beans in front of Jace, “'Eat. Magnus nearly took all your energy, he said you needed to sleep and eat. You've done the first one, now look after the second one. And the beans came straight from the can, so there is close to no way I could have fucked it up.”

Jace huffed a laugh and took his first mouthful of food. Suddenly, the door burst open again, and a whirl of red hair came through the door.

“Oh,” Isabelle continued, ”I also called Clary.”

Clary whipped passed Isabelle and practically ran at Jace. She hugged him, then clipped him over the back of the head. “Why didn't you call me you idiot?! With an extra set of eyes maybe this never would have happened...”

Isabelle decided to leave them to their quarrel. As she went to check on Alec and Magnus again, someone caught her arm. Isabelle looked up to see Simon's concerned face. He dragged her into the bathroom and pulled her into him.

“Hey, have you looked after yourself yet?” Simon tucked a stray hair behind her ears and tilted her head up to look at him.

Isabelle sighed, “I haven't had a chance... I only just finished cleaning the blood out of the hallway, then Jace got up.”

“Ok, we'll check on Alec, but then YOU need to rest.”

“I'm fine, really. Magnus and Jace were totally drained, they needed the sleep, all I did was sit there feeding Alec some magical soup like an idiot...” Izzy took a shaky breath and started to pull her hair out of its braid, 'I knew something was going on with Alec, I knew he wasn't well enough to go out on a mission today. I went with the boys to keep them safe, and I blew it. I fucking blew it Si...”

Isabelle turned away from Simon and slammed her fist into the door. It stung like a bitch, she could tell she had broken the skin. Simon lurched forward and gathered Izzy’s hands up in his own.

“Listen to me Isabelle: It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You did everything you could do, and Alec is going to be okay. But you really do need to sleep, love.” Simon put his hands on Isabelle's shoulders and steered her towards the main bedroom.

“Check on the boys, then I'm putting you to bed. I'll take care of the rest of the cleaning and Clary has got Jace. Crisis over, you can relax.”

Isabelle sighed, she knew Simon was right. Her arms felt like lead, and she was clearly not in control of herself. She wandered into the master bedroom and saw that Magnus was propped up in bed. He still looked like crap, but his hair was standing up again, so he mustn't have been too fucked.

“How's he doing?” Isabelle asked nodding at Alec who was wrapped gently in his partner’s arms. She walked around to her brother and crouched next to him. He still looked so small.

 _Being half dead would do that I guess_ , she mused.

“He's not doing too badly, I don't think. He got a bit restless about an hour ago, so I put him into an enchanted sleep. If he woke up now, he'd be in a lot of pain.”

Isabelle nodded, “Ravener demon venom burns like hell, and I bet those bruises are going to ache like a fucker...” She stepped forwarded and perched herself on the edge of the bed next to the warlock.

“Magnus?”

Magnus looked up at his friend, “Hmm?”

Isabelle bit her bottom lip, “I'm so sorry. I promised to watch out for him, and I failed.”

Magnus's brow creased, “I don't blame you Iz. Truthfully, I blame myself. I shouldn't have let him go today. I had this awful feeling that something was going to go horribly wrong.”

Isabelle nodded. “Same. I wasn't even meant to be with them today, but it didn't feel right to send that pair off alone. Also, I noticed something when I carried Alec in here.”

Isabelle pulled back the sheet carefully, revealing Alec's bruised torso. “Have you seen these before?” she asked, gingerly running her fingers over scars on Alec's hips.

Magnus moved closer. “No. I hadn't. Fuck. How did I not see that?!”

Isabelle covered her unconscious brother back up, “Probably because he didn't want you to see.”

Magnus ran his fingers through his hair and tapped the bed next to him. Isabelle sat down as he spoke, “Yeah…”

Isabelle rubbed her eyes “Those scars have been healed, they aren't old... A few days at most if he used an iratze. There is also a good chance he's cutting elsewhere.”

Magnus's eyes snapped up and looked at the woman in front of him. Something seemed off about her, but now wasn't the time. He put a mental bookmark in this conversation.

“Do you know where he has been during his mysterious ‘dinners’? Magnus asked.

Isabelle sighed, “No idea. Jace's first thought was that he was cheating on you, but that's just not possible. He loves you too much. My other thought was drugs maybe? It would fit. The disappearances, the fact that he has been weirdly snappy, slipping up on the job...”

Magnus looked at Alec, “I don't think it's drugs. I'd notice. Well, I thought I would... One night when he didn't come home, I tried to track him, but he was just moving around too much to get a solid lock. I was wondering if you think he could be out running.”

Isabelle stretched her back out, “Yeah that does sound a lot more like him. Compared to drugs... Out of curiosity, does he ever eat here?”

Magnus frowned, “No, not often. He always says he ate at the Institute. I sat with him while he had breakfast today and I he went white. It was like he was panicking.”

“Why would he panic about eating with you? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Magnus sighed, “I think… I think Alec dealing with a lot of stress at the moment and that he’s not coping with it too well.  I think he’s using pain as a way to work through it.”

Isabelle frowned, “That explains the scars, but not the running or the panic.”

“There are a lot of ways to hurt yourself my dear, and I’ve seen, if not tried, a lot of them.” Magnus ran a hand over his tired face, “Think about how long he’s gone for when he runs. It’s _hours_ , that’s gotta start to hurt after awhile. And the meals. Well… Sometimes, when you can’t cope with one part of your life, you subconsciously end up controlling a different part. Skipping meals and pushing himself to train might be a way of taking control.”

“So, are you saying that Alec has some sort of mental illness..?” Isabelle looked shocked and more than a little terrified.

Magnus smiled tiredly and raised his hand to cup his friend’s face, “You Nephilim and your stigma... Mental illness isn’t something dirty Iz. The brain gets sick, just like the rest of your body. When we are tired and worn down and stressed, sometimes it finds ways to cope that aren’t the best. Most people will have some sort of run-in with it in their lives, even people who aren’t hunting hell beasts for a living.”

The warlock dropped his hand back to Alec and began carding through his lover’s hair, “The shadowhunters have never been particularly good with things like this, but yes. I do thing Alec has a mental illness. I think he’s depressed and anxious and I think he’s depriving himself of food and comfort as a way of coping. I just can’t believe I didn’t notice what was happening earlier.”

Isabelle ran her eyes over Alec, “If this isn’t on me, then it sure as hell isn’t on you either.” She turned back to Magnus and “He looks so much smaller like this. I so rarely see him without 3 layers of tactical gear on, and I never see him letting this much pain and exhaustion show. What the hell do we do?”

Magnus leaned over to brush his lips over Alec's head, “I really have no idea... But, Iz you need to rest too. Simon is right.”

“You heard that did you?”

Magnus huffed a quiet laugh, “You weren't exactly whispering. You deserve to be taken care of too, you know that right?”

Isabelle rolled her eyes, “I’m fine Mags.”

As if on cue, Simon appeared in the doorway. “Hey, Magnus, how you doing?”

“Well, my boyfriend is half dead, my living room is covered in blood, and I feel like I have been hit by a truck. But other than that, wonderful” Magnus smiled, “Can you please take this idiot to bed? She doesn't know when to tap out.”

Simon walked into the room and grabbed Isabelle's hands, “Yeah, that was the plan. C'mon missy, time for bed.” He hauled Isabelle off the bed and pulled her from the room. She stopped at the doorway, turned around and opened her mouth.

Magnus cut her off, “I promise to get you when he wakes up.”

Isabelle smiled, nodded and then allowed herself to be dragged to bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter always felt rushed to me, so it's now been overhauled, hope you enjoyed it!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's awake!

By the time Alec starts to come 'round, his bruises have faded to a bluey-green and everyone feels about a century older. It’s been four days and the conscious members of their little group are gathered in the living room for food. Magnus thought it _might_ have been dinner time, but honestly, he had no idea.

The second Alec shifted in bed, Magnus's head snapped up.

“I think he's waking up.”

Izzy raised an eyebrow at him, “How the hell can you tell that from the loungeroom?”

“I'm a mystical being, and a magician never reveals his secrets...” Magnus strode from the room towards his room.

In truth, the warlock had set up a complicated series of wards that would alert him to the slightest bit of movement within the bedroom. It was basically a magical motion detector. By the time he and Izzy got to the door of the master bedroom, Alec was trying (and failing) to push himself into a sitting position.

Rushing to help him, Magnus pushed Isabelle out of the way. Instead of objecting, she goes to let the other know that Alec is officially declared “Not Dead”.

Magnus waves a hand and Alec is suddenly sitting up in bed, supported by a large stack of soft and silky pillows. He took a seat on the mattress and brushed the hair out of his boyfriend’s eyes. “How are you feeling darling?”

Alec shifted in the bed “Honestly? Like I was used as a punching bag to train the new recruits... What happened, why do you look more concerned than usual?”

Magnus let a smile crack through the concern, “Well, you were brought back to me possibly dead, I all but drained myself and your parabati trying to save you and you've been unconscious for four days.”

Alec felt his mouth swing open. He stared at Magnus in shock. “Four days?! How did I get that badly messed up?”

He tried to wrack his brain, but it was like wading through thick mud. Each time he grabbed on to a memory, it flittered away. “The last thing I remember.... I was at the Institute with Jace and Iz, we were about to head into.... Fuck. Why can't I think?!”

Alec dropped his head into his hands and immediately regretted the decision. The movement caused all sorts of things to sting and ache, “What happened to me?”

Magnus bit his bottom lip, “I know some of what happened, but we all have some questions too.” Alec lifted his head and looked imploringly at the warlock, who sighed. “You, Jace and Iz had gone to the Zoo to check out some reports of demon activity. Something happened, I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but you got separated rom the other two and ended up being cornered by a herd of raveners.”

_Raveners... Well, that explains the burning in his midsection_

“Are Jace and Iz....”

“Jace and Isabelle are both fine, aside from worrying about you dying and me killing them for staining my couch with your blood.”

Magnus cupped Alec’s face in his hands, “Please love, please don't ever scare me like that again. You are mortal, and I know you will eventually die, but I am not prepared for that to happen for a very, VERY long time. Okay?”

Alec almost smiled, “I’ll do my best.”

“Good. Now I know you are sore as hell, but you need to get up, shower and put on some clothes. Jace and the others will want to see you for themselves, and I bet you'd rather look slightly more alive when they do.”

Alec nodded and held out his hands. Magnus grabbed them and helped him up, quietly stabilising him with magic. “Do you want me to go while you shower? I would rather stay so I know you are ok.”

Alec smiled, “If I DID almost die, then it wouldn't be right for me to send you away now would it?”

“No, it would not.”

Magnus caught Alec as he stumbled and helped him settle into his shower and wash off the grime and sickbed feeling.

°ºOº°

“Seriously? He's awake?”

“No Jace, Iz is lying to you for fun”, Clary rolled her eyes, “How are you so smart, yet so thick?”

Simon chuckled from his corner seat where he reading a book.

“Shut up nerd,” Jace shot across the room.

Simon snorted again, “Excellent comeback Jace, how did you ever think of it?”

Isabelle stomped her foot, and suddenly all eyes were on her, “Enough guys. Seriously. Alec is awake. From the sounds of it, he is having a shower. When he gets out, just give him some room ok? He's still in a lot of pain, and you do _not_ want to see the colour of his ribs.”

As if on cue, Magnus walked out of the bedroom with Alec leaning heavily on his shoulder. Their brother still looked like crap, but he was alive and honestly, that was more than they were expecting a few days ago.

Jace stood up and walked over to his sworn brother, and, totally ignoring the warning, pulled him into a tight embrace. “You ever scare us like that again, and I'll kill you myself. I can’t deal with the pain and stress again, ok?' Jace hissed into Alec's ear as Alec went a strange shade of green.

“Jace, man, I love you, but loosen your grip or I'm gonna puke on you,” Alec managed to get out from between clenched teeth.

“Fuck, crap. Sorry,” Jace took a step back and just drank in the sight of Alec being alive. Alec looked around the room and saw that all his friends had roughly the same look on their faces, relief, with an undertone of concern.

“What's going on guys? You look like you are worried I’m going to drop dead at any second.”

Magnus grabbed Alec by the hand and pulled him toward the kitchen, “Too soon love, too soon...”

Alec smiled as his boyfriend deposited him into a chair at the table. “But seriously guys, what's wrong?”

Everyone looked at Magnus and Isabelle. Iz shook her head and plastered on a smile, “It's nothing you need to worry about right now. Just let us get used to you being upright.”

Magnus put a bowl of soup in front of Alec, “You need to drink this. You've been out for a few days, and if you don't put something bland in your stomach you're really going to kick yourself later.”

Alec looked down at the soup, “What is it...?”

“Chicken noodle. With a little warlock twist.” Magnus winked.

Once Alec thought about it, he was so hungry that he could barely slow himself down enough to avoid burning his mouth. Once he got the second spoonful in, he could see what Magnus must have meant by the “warlock twist”. All of his aches eased slightly, and he felt less stiff. Eagerly, Alec dug in for more.

“Jeeze Magnus, I didn’t know you could actually cook. If Alec will eat it that fast it must be good.'

Alec froze at his brother's words. He could swear he heard someone get a swift thwack in the ribs followed by a sharp intake of breath and a quietly muttered swear word. But when he looked up everyone was all smiles.

A keen sense of dread crept up Alec's limbs as he realised that the whole room was standing there, watching him freeze over his soup. He put the spoon down, no longer able to look at it.

“Magnus, I'm still kinda tired, can you help me back to bed?”

Magnus was at his side in an instant, “Of course love, of course.”

Once back in the bedroom, Magnus sat Alec on the bed. “Do you want to talk about that?”

Pretending to be focused on assessing his healing wounds, Alec didn't even look up. “About what?”

“About your reaction to Jace and immediate instinct to flee the room?”

“I don't know what you are talking about.”

“Oh good. Then you can finish your soup in here since it’s just that you’re tired.” Magnus was suddenly holding a very full bowl of steaming soup. He knew he was being cruel, but he needed to get enough of a rise out of Alec that they could actually get to the bottom of this.

“I'm not hungry.” Alec shuffled so that his toes were tucked under the doona.

“Really?” Magnus said with disbelief, “You haven't eaten in four days and have used all your body's stores up trying to be not dead. You lost a shit load of weight and you are going to tell me you aren't hungry?”

“Really! I can't help it if I'm not!” Alec felt like a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum, but he just couldn't help himself. His temper seemed to go from zero to eighty in no time at all these days, and there didn’t seem to be anything he could do to put the brakes on.

“You know I can HEAR your stomach growling Alec.”

Alec threw his hands up in the air, “Oh just fuck off would you?”

Magnus stopped. Alec's tone was so unlike anything Magnus had ever heard from him before. He slammed the bowl down on the bedside table.

“You know what? Fine. Fine! You don't want to eat the soup, that's your problem. You want to spend months lying to your family and me? Fine. You want me to fuck off? I'll go.” He turned toward the door.

Alec's blood ran cold. “Wait… What do you mean lying to you?” he asked in a small voice.

Magnus turned back to face his partner, his expression had softened, “How long did you really think you could keep disappearing for hours in the evening love? Iz and I finally put our heads together and filled in some gaps. I know there is a lot of things going on that you’ve been trying to keep from me.”

Alec opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a small, “Ah...”

He brought his knees up to his chest, ignoring the stabbing sensations in his belly, and rested his head on his knees. Cool fingers brushed his cheek, “We're just worried about you darling...”

Alec ignored him and dropped his forehead to his knees. “I don't know what I'm doing,” he whispered. There was a dip in the bed as Magnus sat beside Alec, leaning against his side and pressing his lips to Alec's temple.

“I know love. I know...”

Alec closed his eyes, and the wetness that had welled up began to overflow.

Magnus lost track of just how long they stayed in that position, but eventually, even an immortal being gets a stiff neck. He pressed another kiss to Alec's temple and turned to face him.

“Please don't get mad, but...”

Alec's head snapped up, he stared blankly at Magnus.

“Isabelle and I were talking, and we think it might be best if you stay out of the field for awhile...”

Alec's face didn't slip at all, “Why.”

Magnus bit his lip, “We think you just need some time...”

Alec exploded. :Why?! Because I can't do my job? Because I'm a liability? Because I'm not  _perfect_  every time, I can't be trusted anymore?”

Magnus, thrown off by the sudden outburst, shuffled backwards slightly, brow creased. “Well mostly because you just spent 4 days unconscious following a brief period of being not quite alive. You can't even stand by yourself right now, let alone fight.”

Alec fell back into the leaning pile of pillows, anger gone as quickly as it had come, “Right. Yeah...”

“Love, it's not that we don't trust you, or don’t think you are capable, but you need some time to heal. Something else is clearly going on, and we need to deal with that, but realistically you can't be going on missions while you are recovering from this latest attack.”

Alec closed his eyes and sighed. Magnus was right, every little movement hurt. He could barely stand, let alone run. Reaching for where his quiver would sit felt like a Herculanean task right now. “Ok.”

Magnus stared at Alec with a mixture of love, concern and sadness. He had no idea that Alec was in this much pain. How could he sleep next to this man every night and not know?

“Do you want me to stay?”

Alec shook his head slightly, he went to speak, but couldn't bring himself to form words. Magnus frowned and bit his lower lip as Alec slid down further into the bed. Rollign over to hide his face from his partner.

Magnus ran his eyes over the closed off and hunched form of his boyfriend and gently he pulled the cover more tightly around Alec. He sighed again and stood up. Walking slowly, he left the room, casting a glance back at the bed once more before he closed the door behind him.

Alec rolled onto his side and stared at the wall. This wasn't meant to happen. He had no idea what to do here. It had all started out so slowly.

Alec had started running as a way to get out of the Institute and to get away from his parents. Not that he didn't love them, but the few weeks they stayed in New York were absolute hell. Maryse would micromanage every second of his day, commenting on every decision he made and providing an endless stream of advice. Even his runs got a commentary. But at least it was positive.  _Running is a good idea. You aren't as good a fighter as Jace, you should be fit. It will give you an edge..._

The food issues started to creep in once Alec realised that the harder and longer he worked, the less time he had for food. Somehow, running and controlling his meals became part of being a good Shadowhunter. Skipping meals meant that he was giving something up, it made him selfless. Purer somehow...

Alec knew that it didn't really make sense, but that didn't stop him from racing toward it as an ideal. It wasn't a weight thing, that was just a parameter to measure. The more he ran, the less he ate, the smaller he got. It was just a sign that he was working hard, that he was sacrificing things to be better. At some point, the empty feeling in his stomach was just another thing that marked his success.

It didn't make sense that he ended up here. Lying in bed, barred from field work, with a living room of people full of people who are uncomfortably concerned about him. The feeling of guilt and shame unfurled in his gut. Alec was the acting head of the New York Institute. People are meant to go to him with their problems, he isn't supposed to be the cause of the problems.

His mother's words bounced around his head.  _You know Alec, you are meant to be the responsible one. You are the oldest, I expect you to look after your sibling and running the Institute perfectly is part of that..._

Alec curled into a tighter ball as he realised the full extent of his failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple more changes here and there...


	5. Chapter 5

Magnus walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Elbows on knees, he dropped his head to his hands and buried his fingers in his hair. Isabelle grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it gently, “So, how'd it go...?”

Magnus sighed, “About as well as I expected. Trying to explain to my boyfriend that he has an eating disorder was never going to go fantastically.”

Jace shifted from his position in the corner where he was doing an excellent job of supporting the wall, “I don't get it. Why would Alec do something that isn’t good for him? He’s not stupid, surely he knows that this isn’t healthy. What’s he even trying to achieve here?”

Clary looked up at Jace, “Are you saying that Alec is doing this on purpose? Because it sounds a lot like that is what you are saying... I don’t think he’s really in control here Jace.”

Jace rolled his eyes, “You know what I mean, I just can't see Alec as the sort of guy who'd do something for attention, or starve himself for his looks or something.” Jace looked at Magnus, “Is this a gay thing...?”

Everyone in the room groaned, Clary grabbed Jace by the wrist, “Sweetheart? Stop talking.”

Magnus ignored him, “I told Alec that he's been barred from fieldwork. He didn't take that well. I think he feels like he has let us all down.”

The room was silent for a beat before Isabelle spoke, “Well that's absolutely ridiculous. How has he let  _us_  down? I feel like we're the ones who have done the letting down!”

“You know Alec,” Jace said, “he's all about the job. If this has interfered with him doing his job, he’d be heartbroken...Do you think _this_ is why he hasn't been doing as well as usual on hunts?”

“You think, Captain Obvious?” Isabelle muttered.

“Well, I am sorry that I'm not as with it as the rest of you,” Jace shouted, “I'm _sorry_ I didn't put the pieces of the puzzle together as fast as you or Magnus.” Jace walked over to the wall and kicked it unceremoniously, “I'm his  _parabatai!_  I'm meant to be his soul brother, and apparently, I can't even figure out what the hell is wrong with him!!”

Clary stood and walked over to Jace, “This isn't your fault. This would have been something Alec worked to keep really well hidden.” She put a hand on her partner’s shoulder, “Things like this thrive on secrecy.”

Jace turned to look at her, “How do you know that?”

It was Simon who answered, “One of the fun things about the mundane high school experience is the anorexia PSA.”

Jace looked confused, “PS what?”

Simon sighed, 'PSA – Public service announcement. It’s a public education thing. Eating disorders are a bit of a hot topic in the mundane world.”

“Oh...”

“Clary is right,” Magnus lamented, “Jace, he kept this from all of us. If you were meant to notice, then so was I.” He lifted his head from his hands and rubbed them on his thighs. “So, if the Nephilim community isn't big on the gays, then I am going to take a stab in the dark and say that mental illness is also a taboo subject.”

Isabelle grimaced, “You aren't wrong. There is a lot of focus on strength and duty. Shadowhunters are not big on showing weakness.”

“And a mundane counselor is out of the question,” Simon guessed.

“Pretty sure part of the counseling process is actually being honest with them. Kinda hard to do if you have to lie about 3/4 of your life”, Clary replied.

“And we can't take this to the Clave,” Jace stated, “they don't need any reason to think he isn't capable.”

“Do you have any Downworlder options?” Isabelle turned to look at Simon and then Magnus.

“As far as I know the Vampires are big on indulgence, so I don't think they are going to be able to wrap their heads around this one,” Simon replied, “Do you know anyone, Magnus..?”

Magnus rubbed his temples, “Not that I am aware of. I can ask around, though,” he ran a hand through his inky hair, “In the meantime, I guess we just talk to him and be there for him.”

“Great,” Simon exclaimed, “I'll make the ‘Intervention’ banner.”

Magnus cracked a smile, “Maybe nix the banner...”

 

°ºOº°

  
Magnus knocked on the door before cracking it open and sticking his head through. Alec was in exactly the same position. Magnus walked into the room and pulled the door closed behind him. He climbed into bed with his partner and pressed a kiss to Alec's hair.

“Hey,” he started somewhat lamely, “read any good books lately?”

Startled, Alec turned to face Magnus, “What?”

Smiling he replied, “You heard me! Read any good books?”

“What, no? Why are you asking me about books?” Alec had sat up in bed and was looking at his partner with a puzzled expression.

“I don't know, just making conversation. Would you rather we talk about why you are curled up in bed, basically catatonic?”

Alec closed his eyes and sighed, “Am I going to get out of this one?”

Magnus smiled ear to ear, “Nope,” he replied, popping on the ‘p.' “So, what's going on?” He paused and dropped the smile, “you know that we just want to help you, right?”

“Yeah... I know...” Alec tried to meet his boyfriend's eyes but found that he couldn't bring himself to do it. As a result, he found himself staring at Magnus's left earlobe with an incredible level of focus.

Magnus's earlobe waited patiently.

“I don't know how this happened.”

Magnus shuffled closer, wrapped his arms around Alec and tucked him under his chin, “I know love. Why don’t you start at the beginning? Why don’t you tell me how it all started?”

“Honestly? I'm not even that sure. It's not like I woke up one morning and decided to fuck everything up. I just want to make mom and dad proud, y'know?” Alec snuggled closer to his boyfriend and hid his face in Magnus’s chest.

“Wait for what?” Magnus pulled back slightly so he could see Alec's face. Alec had dropped his gaze, unable to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. “What does this have to do with making them proud?”

“Forget it, it's stupid,” Alec shifted, trying to roll away, but Magnus grabbed his shoulder to hold him steady.

“Nuh uh. I want to help, but I can't do anything if I don't know what's going on. Where is this coming from? You know that out of the three of you, your mom and dad respect the most.”

Alec's eyes snapped up to meet his own, “Yes. I'm the one they can trust to keep things running smoothly. Mom expects me to be perfect. I don't get to make mistakes. I don't get to run off with faeries or run around at night on unsanctioned missions.

“I have to be the responsible one. I have to give everything up to look after them all. The one thing I get to myself is you, and apparently, even the High Warlock of Brooklyn isn't a good enough match for me.”

Brow creased, and face flushed he paused. Alec's anger seemed to go as quickly as it had come. The face he was looking into was shocked and worried.

“Honey, I still don't get what this has to do with the eating and running...”

Alec sucked in a breath, “I don't really know how that got tied up in it all, but at some point, I realised that the more missions I was taking and the more time I spent training, the less time I had to spend on food. Somewhere along the way, it became another thing to give up.

“Every time I skip a meal, I almost feel like I am proving my dedication... Like I am giving something up to do my job, so I am, I don't know, better I guess...? I'm sorry. It doesn't make any sense. It's so fucking stupid.”

Magnus bit his lip. “No, I think I get it. I don't _understand_ , but I think I see where you are coming from... Kind of how Jace likes to kinda show off when he gets injured during missions. Like he is better than the rest of you because he actually put his body on the line?”

A look of relief crossed Alec's face, “Yeah,” he murmured, “that's exactly what I mean...”

Magnus pulled Alec back into his chest. “Okay, we can work with that. You do know that your worth has nothing to do with how well you control what goes in your mouth, right?”

Alec rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, “I know that. But I can't make myself believe it...I'm so tired Magnus...”

Magnus hugged Alec tightly, squishing his arms against Magnus's chest. “Ow, babe. Bruised ribs. Remember?”

Magnus quickly let Alec go, “Shit, sorry.”

Magnus pulled Alec back into a sitting position, trying to ignore the small groan that escaped his throat. “I hate to be that guy, but you really need to have some of this soup. It has some nutrients you need, as well as a pain relief potion. It'll help you sleep, and it'll help you heal.”

Suddenly Magnus was holding out the now reheated soup. He put it on the bedside table, “Eat. And then sleep. We can talk more tomorrow.”

Much to Alec's relief, Magnus leaves him to eat the soup in peace. The soup did seem to lessen the pain and left him warm and sleepy. Slowly, the day's stresses seem less important, and the pillow looks more and more inviting.

Eventually, Alec gave in and lay down. Closing his eyes, he slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

 

°ºOº°

Magnus stood outside the door to his closed bedroom and watched Alec take a few tentative spoonfuls of soup. Slowly the soup disappeared, it was thin and bland and was designed to sit well in a tender stomach. Once he ensured that Alec had finally slipped into sleep, he closed the small viewing portal and rested his head against the door.

Closing his eyes, Magnus blew out a long breath before turning to head back to the group waiting in the living room. He had finally started to get his head around what is going on, but there was a long way to go before Alec was really back on his feet. But Magnus was nothing if not patient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halfway there on the re-write!  
> Hit me up on tumblr, https://catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com/


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Six of nine done! Three left to edit!

 

Clary sat on the couch between her boyfriend and Isabelle as they waited for Magnus to re-enter the room. She really felt for him. Watching the person you love, suffer and not having any idea how to help them was one of the most painful things in life to endure. She shut her eyes and pressed the heels of her palms into the sockets. Jace put a hand on her shoulder, and she leaned into the touch.

Simon sat on the coffee table opposite Isabelle, holding her hand and running his thumb in small circles over the back of it. Isabelle and Jace were busy silently berating themselves for not intervening sooner, and both jumped when Magnus re-entered the room.

“He's sleeping,” Magnus announced to no one in particular.

“What, did you put a spell on him or something?” Jace asked without turning around. Magnus rolled his eyes, “No. I added some Valium to his soup. It's not always good to use magic for everything, especially when there is a safe, mundane alternative. Besides, my magic is absolutely depleted right now.”

“Oh.”

The silence hung heavily in the air.

Finally, Simon spoke, “So, what's wrong with him? Is he going to be ok...?”

Magnus sighed heavily and leaned against the unlit fireplace, “It appears that our Alec has somehow decided that sacrifice is an important part of being a Shadowhunter and that the more you sacrifice, the better hunter you are.” The warlock ran a hand through his hair, “As to if he will be ok. He will recover from his injuries, but we need to do something about the way Alec is treating himself. If he keeps going like this, he’s going to kill himself.”

Jace looked up at Magnus, “I don’t understand. None of this makes any sense. Surely Alec can see that what he’s doing is stupid.”

Magnus rubbed his uncharacteristically stubbly jawline and took a second before replying. “It's not quite simple I don't think. Intellectually, Alec knows that what he is doing is hurting himself, but he can't seem to shake the feeling that the more time he spends training or hunting, the more likely your parents are to be _proud_ of him.”

“So all of this is some misguided attempt to make Robert and Maryse _proud_?! How does that even work?” Jace's brow was lined with thought, and for the first time, he wasn't the only one looking up at Magnus in confusion.

Magnus sighed and slid to the floor, “He thinks that the more time he spends training and hunting, the more other things he has to give up. That means things he finds enjoyable, but it also means things that Alec actually needs to survive. Like food. Somehow, he has come to the conclusion that giving up food is a sign that he is working harder and will be better. Anytime anyone has glorified injuries you got while working, or the fact you haven’t had time to sleep or eat, they have fed this belief Alec has.”

Magnus finished and met Jace's eyes. He watched as Jace's face fell as he computed what he had just been told, “Does this mean that I have made this whole thing worse? I know I can throw myself into work, and I'm not exactly quiet when I've been stuck in the field without food or with an injury... Being able to 'push through' makes me feel...” his voice faltered, and Jace dropped his eyes to the floor, “It DOES make me feel like a better Shadowhunter, it makes me feel strong.”

Clary leaned into Jace's side and grabbed his hand. She didn't say anything, Jace was glad she didn't. He hated having a fuss made over him, and her silent support was enough.

“ I don't think it would have helped  _per se_ , but there was no way to know what Alec was thinking, short of him actually telling us,” Magnus said reassuringly, “There really isn't a lot we could have done here to prevent it. I think your darling parents and the Nephilim ethos did more damage than we could have ever seen coming.”

Simon shuffled uncomfortably on the coffee table, “If anyone should have put two and two together... It should have been me. I should have known what was wrong.”

All eyes in the room flew to him.

Isabelle raised an eyebrow, “Why would you have known?” she asked in an almost accusatory way.

Simon bit his lip, his face flushing as all eyes turned to him. A fang slipped out past his lip, it was a sign he really needed to eat soon, “Alec came to me a couple of months or so ago,” He glanced at Clary, “It was just before all the stuff with Valentine was really kicking up, so I kinda forgot about it... He asked me how I was managing to hide the fact that I didn't eat human food anymore,” the vampire took a deep breath and looked around the room.

“I told him that it was a lot of lying, you know, telling mom I was eating with you guys, etc. He asked what I did if I couldn't get out of it, so I said that sometimes I spit the food into a napkin or just forced it down. If I have to eat human food...” Simon looked up and shuddered.

“You end up vomiting it all up,” Magnus finished.

“Yeah...”

Magnus pushed a hand through his unstyled hair, “So you basically gave him a 'How to Hide Your Eating Disorder' pamphlet.”

Simon grimaced, “I really didn't think there was any hidden meaning behind the question. I know how crazily naïve it was, but it never occurred to me that it’d be an issue for him. I mean, it’s _Alec_.”

Isabelle threw Simon a sad smile, “Of course, you didn't know what he was really asking. None of us knew,” she then glared around at the rest of the people in the room.

Magnus put his hands up, “I wasn't saying Simon did it on purpose! Just that it explains how Alec was able to keep things under wraps for so long. He actually put a lot of thought into this.”

Simon sighed, “It's been awhile since I've fed and I've really grown attached to you guys. It'd be a shame to accidentally eat one of the 4 friends I actually still have."

Magnus walked quickly over to the kitchen and retrieved a blood bag from the bottom drawer of the fridge. “I try to keep my apartment fully stocked for whatever a guest may need."

Simon thanked the warlock and excused himself to go and feed. Although Simon was becoming far more comfortable with who he was, he still found it uncomfortable to feed in front of anyone. He hated what he became when he lost control of his hunger like that.

“So,” Clary said suddenly, “What do we do now?”

It was Isabelle who answered, “Well obviously Alec is going to stay out of the field for awhile, at least until he is fully recovered from the attack. Right?”

She looked up at Magnus who replied, “Even if the food weren't an issue, I'd want him to stay still for a week or two. I only just managed to put Alec back together, and I don't think his body could withstand another assault right now.” He paused where he stood in the kitchen, “And to be honest, I don’t think _I_ could withstand another day like that anytime soon either.”

Simon re-entered the room, wiping his mouth. He flopped down onto the couch beside Isabelle and draped an arm around her shoulder as Magnus continued talking, “We need to come up with a game plan for how we are going to deal with this. We need to find a way to make sure that meals are no longer seen as optional. So no field work until he has accepted that is a thing and no training that runs over meal times. Also, JACE, no mention of how much Alec is eating or what he is eating or getting irritated with making the time for meals.”

Jace looked up as if offended, “What? Are you saying I'm not capable of being sensitive or tactful?”

Practically everyone scoffed, and Isabelle rolled her eyes. Clary patted his shoulder gently, “We're just saying that you aren’t really known for tact, and you use humor to deal with serious and uncomfortable situations. This is really not a time for your particular approach” Jace pulled a face but remained silent.

Magnus continued, “Most importantly,” he looked at each of the faces looking up at him, “Alec needs to feel as though we are behind him, but without babying him. He's so proud, if you treat him like a child, he’ll pull away from us.'

Simon smiled, “I feel like we should all put our hands in and shout "Break!" or something.”

Magnus and Clary smiled, Jace looked confused, “What?”

“Nothing. Mundane humor...”

Isabelle yawned. “I don't know about you lot, but I'm bloody tired. Unlike the rest of you, I haven't had a chance to sleep much since everything happened.:

Simon studied her face carefully, it did look pale and drawn, and the shadows beneath her eyes were definitely more pronounced.

“You are welcome to the spare rooms here,” Magnus offered.

“Good,” Isabelle said, slowly getting to her feet, “because if you made me walk back to the Institute, I was going to throw myself to the ground and demand to be carried.” She pushed herself to her feet and stumbled towards the promised room.

"I might head off. i've got a couple of things to sort out." Simon hugged Clary, and nodded awkwardly at the other two men before heading out the door.

Clary stifled a laugh at the awkwardness as Magnus slid down the wall to sit on the floor.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” Clary bit her lip and looked down at Magnus with concern.

Magnus sighed, “I'm just worried is all. Not much to do about it but just try to make this better. You and Jace are welcome to sleep in one of the other spare rooms. I knew there was a reason I had a stupidly large flat.” He pushed himself to his feet, “Though I had never really pictured _this_ particular situation.”

“Thanks, Mags, I think I might take you up on that,” Clary looked at Jace who had fallen asleep with his head resting on her shoulder, “You really must have drained him the other night.”

Magnus made a noise of agreement, “Alec really was very close to death when they brought him in... I honestly thought he wouldn't wake up.”

Clary looked at Magnus. He seemed somewhat deflated. Like he didn't have the energy to maintain his flamboyant exterior. His hair was dull black and sat dejectedly flat against his head. His face was bare, or makeup and his nail polish was chipped. All in all, Magnus looked tired and defeated.

“I know Alec is mortal, and I am aware that one day, he will die...” Magnus trailed off.

“But you didn't think it would be nearly this soon,” Clary finished for him as the warlock closed his eyes and nodded. “You thought you still had decades before it was something you had to think about.”

Magnus nodded again, his eyes wet.

Clary laid Jace down on the couch and went to sit next to Magnus. He leaned into her side and dropped his head to her shoulder.

“He is going to be ok,” Clary murmured, “We  _will_  get him through this. I’m pretty stubborn, and once I’ve set my mind to something, I won’t give up until it’s done.”

Magnus cracked a smile, “I think most people go with ‘pigheaded’ when describing you, Biscuit.”

Clary chuckled gently, “I have heard that one thrown around occasionally. It does have it's value though.”-

Magnus turned his head and pressed a kiss to his friend’s cheek, “That it does.”

Sometime later, Clary helped Magnus to his feet. He, in turn, helped shift Jace's dead weight into yet another guest room.

The blonde Shadowhunter didn't even stop drooling as the pair dragged him through the apartment.

“Thanks, Magnus,” Clary said as Jace dropped gently onto the mattress, “There was no way I could move him on my own. If it weren't for you, Jace would be sleeping on the couch.”

Magnus smiled gently, “Sleep well, Clary.”

“You too, Mags.”

With that, Magnus left them alone, shutting the door behind himself.

Crossing the hallway into his own room, he was greeted by the sight of Alec snoring gently.

Magnus quickly undressed and climbed into bed beside his lover. At Magnus's arrival, Alec rolled over, turning to face Magnus. Magnus smiled and brushed the hair back from Alec's face, noting how peaceful he looked in sleep.

Brushing a kiss to his forehead, Magnus waved a hand, and with the last flicker of energy, the lights went out.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I re-read this fic, I found some of this to be really on the nose. And I hate writing that's too on the nose. Hopefully you find this edit to be a bit more fleshed out and less OOC and a little more canon compliant


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has some more graphic stuff in it re: self-harming. It's about halfway through, just after Alec wakes up from his nightmare. If you want to skip it, just scroll down to the next " °ºOº° "  
> Also this chapter has been updated to fit TV canon

 

The next week was a blur to Alec. Looking back on it in years to come, he'd describe it as a grey collage. A random assortment of snapshots of black and white concerned faces strewn across a floor. Isolating a particular memory was painfully difficult, and putting it all in chronological order was impossible.

He spent a lot of time sleeping. Sleeping was easy. His body had taken a beating, and it needed to rest, and, for the first week, Alec was more than happy to let it. After that, though, he began to get itchy feet. Once his physical body was healed, Alec could no longer see the reasoning behind his probation. He was fine. He didn't need someone to watch over him every second of every day. Being taken off duty was bad enough, forget the horror of being babysat. If he had to sit through one more day of his friends and family taking shifts watching over him, Alec was going to scream.

It was with great joy that on day eight of his captivity, Magnus was called away to an emergency appointment.

“I'm so sorry love, I have to run off. Something about one of the younger warlocks getting themselves into trouble down in Hell's Kitchen...” Magnus worried his bottom lip, “Everyone else is busy, so you are just going to have to hang out here by yourself for awhile... I shouldn't be too long. Hopefully, this will be sorted quickly.”

Alec smiled up at the man who seemed determined to kill him with kindness, “I'm sure I can manage to look after myself for a few hours. I'm not going to spontaneously combust or something if you take your eyes off me for a second.”

Magnus smiled and huffed out a sigh, “I suppose you are right.”

“Yes. I am,” Alec stood to push Magnus toward the door, “Now go and rescue the poor lost magical child.”

Magnus smiled, quickly brushed his lips to Alec's and then in a swirl of scarves and coats, he was gone.

Alec watched him disappear down the hall and closed the door. Turning around he took in the now empty apartment. Chairman Meow was snoozing in front of the window in the corridor, the full-length pane of glass letting in some much welcome sunlight. Alec walked over to him and crouched down to scratch him behind the ears.

The Chairman stretched lazily, rolled onto his back and went back to sleep.

Alec chuckled quietly to himself, “I wish I could nap all day like you Meow.”

The Chairman did not respond.

Alec stood up and walked down the hall and into the open plan living area that was the living room, kitchen and informal dining room. He swung his arms as he stepped down the stair into the sunken lounge, flopping down and flicking on the TV.

It was his second time running through the three hundred channels when Alec realised he couldn't stop himself from twitching.

 _I've just got cabin fever_ , he thought irritatedly to himself, _I need to get out of the loft for a bit…_

Before the thought was even finished, he was looking for his running gear.

°ºOº°

By the time Alec made it outside, his restless energy had hit a high. He felt like an energetic puppy that was straining at the leash. Without a second thought, he headed off toward Central Park. Running through the greenery reminded him of  _home_. It still sounded and smelt like NYC, but with the trees and grass surrounding him, Alec was almost able to convince himself he was back in Idris.

So focussed on the rhythmic pounding of his feet into the path was Alec that he didn't realise that the sun was setting or that he had wound up far further away from home than he intended. Alec went to grab his phone and realised that he left it at behind. Cursing to himself quietly, Alec looked around and tried to figure out where he was.

This was the problem with Alec's runs. He was so focussed on moving forward that he paid little attention to where that took him. Apparently, this time, it had taken him to Lower Manhattan, not too far from the Jade Wolf, the favourite haunt of the Manhattan Werewolves. Knowing he was at least an hour from home, Alec turned around and began the run back. Half an hour later, the sun had set, and darkness was starting to fall in earnest. Alec kept his head down and powered on.

His route led him through dark allyways and through the seedier parts of the city. Alec hadn’t been in his right mind when he left the loft and so hadn’t taken the time to activate any of his runes, or even grab a weapon, let alone his stele.  There was nothing he could do about the growing sense of unease creeping up his spine, other than to keep moving.

When the hand grabbed his shoulder, Alec spun around and took the knee out of the offending man. The stranger crumpled to the group with a heavy “Oof”, but Alec was unprepared for the second man who hit him across the back of the head with something heavy.

°ºOº°

Coming to in an alleyway was always up there on Alec's list of 'Most Fun Things to do in NYC', but coming to after being beaten up for his combat boots and the five bucks in the sole of them was a whole new level of joy.

He touched his hand to the back of his head, it came away sticky.

_Great. Now I have a concussion_

He was stele-less, but Alec realised that he really had no idea how to draw an  _iratze_  upside-down on the back of his own head anyway.

_I bet Izzy could do it. Anyone who can braid their hair like that should be able to draw a rune on the back of their own head..._

Alec pushed himself off the ground slowly as he tried to corral his thoughts. Walking back out into the street, he hid from staring mundane eyes and put one foot in front of the other, gradually making his way home. For the millionth time, Alec found himself thanking the Angel that New Yorkers never batted an eye at anything.

Some forty minutes later, Alec was pouring himself through the door to the loft and was quite pleased to see that he still managed to beat Magnus home. Now, if only he could get himself cleaned up and into bed, then there was no reason for anyone to know anything had happened.

Alec walked into the bathroom and looked himself in the eye. His face seemed kinda fuzzy. Experimentally, Alec closed one eye and poked at himself in the mirror.

The fuzz stayed put.

He did notice however there was a decent amount of dried blood down the back of his shirt, so he shrugged it off and threw it out the door.

 _Dirty shirt. Check. Bloody hair...._  Alec focussed, thoughts coming to him like fish rising to the surface of the murky water, slowly becoming visible.  _Shower_!

Smiling at his own deductive reasoning, Alec stripped off the rest of his clothes and stepped into the sizable shower, turning the hot water on to full. Sitting on the floor of the shower seemed like the easiest option and Alec allowed the hot water to slowly strip away the muck and grime from the alley. With a detached curiosity, he watched the blood do a lap of the drain hole before disappearing into the void of the plumbing.

Alec let his head droop forward. It was pounding like someone was hitting the base of his skull repeatedly with a mallet. Shutting his eyes made it better. Alec dosed off, warm water wrapping itself around him like a blanket.

°ºOº°

_It was dark._

_And it was cold._

_Alec stumbled forward, hands outstretched. He was looking for someone. If only he could remember who..._

_Suddenly, he kicked something soft and heavy, going down to his knees, Alec felt around his pockets for his Witchlight. Grasping it, it lit the space with its eerie white glow. Alec looked down to see what he had tripped over._

_It was a body._

_It lay face down, arms and legs sprawled at unnatural angles. Slowly, he rolled it over._

_The body was Jace._

_Standing suddenly, he grasped his Witchlight and looked around. He was surrounded by bodies. Iz, Clary, Max, his parents'._

_Horrified, Alec looked down to see his hands covered in blood, he tried to back away from the slaughter. Turning around to run, only to come face to face with another corpse._

_Magnus._

 

Alec awoke with a start.

The aftershocks of the nightmare still running through his blood stream.

His subconscious was right.

He was putting everyone in danger. He couldn't protect them. His family trusted him, and he couldn't protect them.

Alec's breath started to come too quickly. His head felt like it was full of static and all he could hear was white noise.

He hadn't been able to protect Jase and Iz on missions. He hadn't been able to save Max. He was meant to be one of the main people running the NY Institute, but he couldn't even string two thoughts together.

Some distant and quiet part of Alec's brain registered that he was having an anxiety attack, but that seemed like an insignificant fact when compared to the enormity of his failure.

Guilt and panic swirled around Alec in a whirlpool of emotion. He could no longer breathe. Digging his nails into his forearms, Alec tried to force himself to focus on the pain, on the way the hot water was searing his skin. But all he could feel was blind panic.

Vaguely, Alec was aware of getting out of the shower and fumbling under the bathroom bench for the blade he had taped under the skin. The stinging sharpness of his skin breaking brought him back to his body. Alec drew the blade across his skin again and again until the panic eased and the guilt had subsided.

He looked down at himself. The running water diluting the blood out, making everything a lot worse than it was and the chlorine stinging the fresh marks.

Alec dropped the blade to the floor and closed his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his legs and cried.

°ºOº°

Magnus came home from rescuing the stupid teenage warlock and heard the shower running. He dropped his coat and scarf over the back of the lounge and headed to the bathroom.

“I am _so_ sorry that took so long. You won't believe what this kid did –" Magnus froze as the bloody scene in the bathroom greeted him.

Alec was in the fetal position on the floor of the shower, eyes closed. Everything was covered in watery blood.

Magnus shut off the water, grabbed a towel and dropped to his knees.

Wrapping his sobbing boyfriend up in the towel, he magically lifted him up and carried him to the bed. “What the hell happened..?” Magnus took in Alec's state in total shock. “I was only gone for four hours.”

Alec seemed to be utterly incapable of forming words.

Magnus sighed and dried Alec off. Carefully surveying the damage to his torso, he used a tiny amount of magical energy to stop what bleeding was left. Thankfully, the cuts were shallow, but the blade must have been sharp and it bled more than Magnus had expected.

He dressed Alec in boxer briefs and his pyjama pants, lifting him slightly into a sitting position when he was finished. Magnus then noticed the slight bloody imprint on the pillow case. Touching the back of Alec's head elicited a small noise of discomfort from Alec and Magnus felt the large lump that had grown over the last hour.

Magnus looked over his shoulder and into the bathroom and saw the bloody shirt and exercise gear.

“Alexander. Love, You need to look at me. This is important,” gently, he lifted Alec's chin, and Magnus met the unfocused eyes of his boyfriend. “Alec, what happened?”

Alec blinked slowly. His lips moving, but no sound came out.

Magnus bit his lip, “Alec, love, I'm going to do something to try and help you communicate. I'm going to listen to your thoughts ok?”

Alec's eyes seemed to focus slightly more, squinting slightly, he gave a tiny nod.

Magnus took a breath and cleared his mind. Placing a hand either side of Alec's head he focused on peeling back the layers of his mind. What met Magnus was a thick fog.

Magnus smiled slightly, “You have a concussion. Did you know that?”

No thoughts came to Alec's mind, but there was definitely an acknowledgement of some sort.

“Alec, can you try to tell me what happened today? Try to focus.”

Alec's brow furrowed slightly, and images started to rise through the fog.

_Alec's running shoes_

_Central Park_

_Sunset_

_A brief struggle_

_Pain, and then darkness_

_Shoeless feet_

_Blood_

Magnus sighed, “Alexander, did you go for a run and get mugged?”

 _Mugged..._  The word floated to the surface of Alec's mind as if he was tasting it, trying it on for size.

“Yes, they surprised me..”

Magnus dropped his hands suddenly as Alec spoke out loud. His voice was small but definitely audible.

Magnus let out a sigh of relief as Alec continued, “They took my shoes, I didn't have a phone. Couldn't call... Didn’t take my stele...”

Magnus smiled gently, “Want me to take care of your head?”

Alec nodded slightly and then immediately regretted it. Magnus lifted a hand to the back of his partner's head, and a warm blue light surrounded Alec. The warmth travelled through every part of his body, and he closed his eyes and smiled.

When Alec opened his eyes again, they were clear and focused. He looked into the face of the warlock he loved beyond all reason. “I'm so sorry. I just needed to get out of the loft, and it had been ages since I had been for a run. These guys jumped me just passed 72nd St. Must have clobbered me over the back of the head with something. They took my shoes.”

Alec frowned angrily and then started to cry, and Magnus smiled in spite of himself. His lover’s head my be healed, but it was a little beyond Magnus to magic away brain trauma. Maybe the warlock should call Catrina…

“That explains the head, but it doesn't really account for the rest of it...” He let his eyes trail to the arrangement of angry red lines on Alec's hip.

“Ah. That...” Alec paused and averted his eyes, “I think I passed out in the shower or something, but I had this nightmare where everyone was dead, and it was my fault, and then I woke up and had a moment of blind panic.”

Magnus frowned, “You know there are techniques for dealing with panic attacks that involve substantially less blood right?”

Alec rolled his eyes.

“No, seriously Alec. I mean it. There are other ways to deal. You can't hurt yourself to calm yourself down or to deal with some other crushing emotion.”

“Yeah well, right now, it's all I've got,” Alec snapped, “if you come up with some better ideas, I'd love to hear them.”

Magnus rubbed his eyes. He was trying, by the Angel he was trying, but it was bloody hard to sit there and listen to Alec get uncharacteristically angry with him each time Magnus challenged him on something. He had a feeling that Alec couldn't help it, let alone realised that he was doing it, but it was really wearing thin.

When Alec spoke again, his voice was barely audible, “I just don't know how to deal with the guilt, the shame of letting people down. I let everyone down. Jace and Iz rely on me for missions, and I can't even protect myself from two street thugs. And then everything that happened with Clary’s mom and Max…” His voice trailed off into nothingness.

Magnus took Alec's hands in his own and squeezed them gently. “Alexander, you are allowed to screw up. You are allowed to fall apart. You do not have to tear yourself apart over everything that goes wrong. You don't have to be perfect, and we don't expect you to be. Those guys surprised you on the street today. You had no weapons and no warning. You did the best you could. You have been out of training for a week, your head wasn't in the game.

“As for Jocelyn... Her loss is heartbreaking. It will never really stop hurting. But it wasn't your fault ok? No one wants you to destroy yourself over it. You are strong enough to keep moving forward. You can do this.”

Magnus pulled Alec into his arms as the younger man began to sob.

It wasn't pretty, it was the sort of crying that looked painful. But Magnus knew as well as anyone that sometimes crying was like drawing out the poison.

So he sat there, Alec's head tucked under his chin, arms wrapped around his torso, rubbing soothing circles into his back.

For an age, Alec sobbed, and Magnus waited. Not moving until his partner drew a deep breath and seemed to calm himself slowly. Eventually, Alec pulled backwards gently, sitting up and wiping his face. Magnus cupped his face and brushed his thumb against Alec's cheekbone. “It's going to be ok.” He looking into Alec's eyes with deep sincerity. At that moment, Alec could do nothing but agree.

Taking another deep breath, he pressed a kiss to Magnus's palm and swung his legs out of the bed.

“Want to sit in front of the TV and bitch about The Bachelorette?”

Magnus was startled into a laugh, “I can think of nowhere else I would rather be.”

Smiling, he led Alec out into the lounge and pulled him against his side as Magnus flopped onto the couch, dragging the throw blanket over the two of them.

As Alec began to comment on the male suitors with a growingly picky gay eye, Magnus chewed the inside of his cheek, still not totally at ease. Alec had a lot of things to work through, but they could at least wait until the end of this episode.

With a smile, Magnus turned back to the TV, hugging Alec tightly and trying very hard not to think about what would need to be talked about tomorrow.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another couple of changes, mainly to make Jace less of a dick and to fill a small plot hole

Clary was lying on Jace's bed. It had been a long morning of training, and she had taken advantage of the shower in Jace's room and his collection of sweatpants and shirts. She knew it was a cliche, but there was something special about wearing her boyfriend's clothes. She adored being wrapped in his things; it felt as if he was with her all the time.

Clary sighed contentedly and sunk into the bed. The Institute beds weren't exactly comfortable, but she would have passed out on a cold concrete floor right now. Every muscle in her body was aching. Clary cracked an eye as the door opened and Jace walked in, stripping off his sweaty shirt. Clary raised herself up on her elbow and stared openly at the freshly exposed abs.

Jace stopped, a crooked smile spreading across his face, “I'll never get tired of that.”

Clary started slightly, his voice breaking her out of her silent appreciation, “Get tired of what?” She looked up at Jace with amusement.

“Of you staring at me. Like, I know I'm perfect, I'm literally a gift from the Angel, but you aren't required to worship me like this when no one is watching.”

Clary rolled her eyes and dropped back onto the bed, “May the Angel save me from your undying humility.”

Jace crossed the room and scooped Clary up and sat down on the bed, with Clary nestled in his lap. Clary wrinkled her nose, “You stink.”

Jace laughed, “Ok, fine. I'll go shower then.” Clary wrapped her arms around his arm, “Hey! I didn't say you should leave, just wanted you to know that you smell.” She yawned, “Just let me enjoy being close to you when you aren't engaging in what you keep calling "Training". I think it might actually be some form of torture.”

Jace rolled his eyes, “You know it's important. You need to be able to protect yourself.”

“Yeah, yeah I know... But that doesn't stop it from making me sore as hell. I just wish I wasn't playing catch up. I've lost so much time—" Clary stopped suddenly. Her vision darkened, and a white mist began to swirl in her mind's eye. The mist began to coalesce, forming a pattern that spoke of calm and healing.

Her eyes snapped open to find Jace had spun her around and was holding her by the shoulders, staring intently into her eyes. “Clary. What is it?”

Clary pushed off the bed and scrambled for a pen.

“Jace,” she looked at the rune in front of her, “we need to call Magnus'”

°ºOº°

Magnus was in the kitchen when Alec woke up. He stretched gently, raising his hands above his head and frowning at the stinging pull he felt from his hip. He dropped his hand to the source of the sting and ran his fingertips over the raised lines. Magnus had healed the majority of his wounds, but the sting and the scars remained.

Alec bit his bottom lip; he couldn't believe he let Magnus see him like that last night.  _Just another failure in the long list of failures_  Alec mused sadly,  _Can't even protect Magnus from my own crazy..._ He had been doing so well at shielding everyone from his failures, but it was as if the events of the last week had shattered the walls he had put up. Which was a problem, because those walls were to protect the people around him. The people in his life didn’t need to be looking out for him. Alec was the oldest; he was meant to protect his family, he was meant to look after _them_. Everything was the wrong way around.

Alec stood and walked out of the bedroom, catching a glimpse of himself in the bathroom mirror. The man he saw looking back at him was barely recognisable. Mirror Alec was pale, his face drawn and had dark shadows under his eyes. His body looked less well defined than he remembered, his muscles couldn't have softened from just a week or two off. Right?

It was just another way he failed. Couldn’t fend off some mundane muggers, couldn’t keep himself in combat shape, couldn’t keep himself under _control._

Alec tore his eyes away from the mirror and looked around, suddenly having the urge to cover up. Spotting one of his sweaters lying on the floor in a rumpled head, he snagged it up quickly, gave it a quick sniff and slipped it on before leaving the bedroom.

Magnus looked up as Alec walked into the kitchen. Smiling, Magnus greeted his boyfriend, “Hey sunshine, how are you feeling this morning?”

Alec shrugged, “About as well as I could expect since I had my head bashed in last night I guess...”

Magnus turned around and leant against the kitchen bench, “We need to talk about things love.”

Alec sat down at the table and tucked his feet under him on the chair, pulling his knees into his chest. Some part of him felt as though if he could make himself small enough, maybe he would fold into himself and then he might cease to exist. Popping out of existence like some cartoon character on the shows Magnus liked to watch when he was smashed. Alec wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his head on his knees, his face turned away from Magnus.

Magnus walked around the table and crouched down in front of Alec, pushing his head back from his face with gentle fingers. “It won't just go away if you ignore it.”

Alec bit his bottom lip and smiled slightly, 'I don't know, it's worth a shot.' Magnus rolled his eyes, 'Seriously love. I've lived a long life and let me tell you that I've spent a lot of it trying to ignore things until they go away. It rarely works.'

Alec turned his head, so his face was buried in his knees. He had no idea what to say or do here, no idea where to even start. Sighing, Alec seemed to crumple into himself. Still hiding his face, he mumbled something.

Magnus ran his fingers through his partner's hair, “What was that love?”

“I don't know what to do,” Alec murmured, “I can't even put my feelings into words... Everything feels hard like my mind is filled with a thick sludge and I have to wade through it to think anything or to do anything.” Alec turned his head to look into Magnus's striking golden eyes, “I'm so tired. All I want to do is sleep or run. I used to find hunting a good distraction, but even that is getting too hard. It's like I can't think fast enough to react.... Like I'm kinda disconnected from everything going on around me...” Now that he had started talking, the words began to pour out.

“If I can't hunt, and I can't fight, then what good am I to anyone? I'm meant to be a protector, but I can't even look after myself. I can't even clean up my own messes. A weak Shadowhunter is useless. I tried so hard to be the hunter I am meant to be. Selfless and strong and reliable. It turns out I am none of those things...” Alec trailed off as his wet eyes began to spill over. He moved to hide his face once more in the safety of his knees.

Magnus cupped his lover's face, using his thumbs to brush away the tears. “Alexander, look at me. Please understand that I am not saying this to make you feel better, but because I believe it with every fibre of my being,” Magnus's eyes captured Alec's and held them with an unwavering intensity, “You, my dear Nephilim, are anything but weak. If you were weak or useless, you would have given in weeks ago. Every day has become a fight, and yet you struggle through in silence for months. If you weren't selfless, you wouldn't have pushed yourself to keep going until you could literally not keep yourself upright.”

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec's forehead, trying to convey the depth of his feelings for the young Shadowhunter in the simple action. He rested his brow against Alec's and stared into his eyes, “And you are anything,  _anything_  but useless.”

The moment was interrupted by the buzzer on the door making a decidedly angry noise. Magnus threw an irritated look over his shoulder, determined to ignore it, but Alec put his hand on Magnus's chest, “It might be important.” His voice was quiet, thin like he was barely managing to get words out at all. Biting his tongue, Magnus stood and walked swiftly to the door and opened it. A mass of red curls pushed its way into the room, followed by a confused looking Jace.

Magnus turned his back to the now closed door and spoke to Clary in a low voice, “Look, I'm sure that whatever you have to say is  _extremely_ important,” He threw a quick glance at Alec who was still folded up at the kitchen table, “But, I'm kinda in the middle of something right now...'

Clary's eyes were bright with excitement, “It's actually about Alec.”

Magnus paused and cocked his head to the side, “Well, come in then.”

Clary followed Magnus into the loft, and she started speaking as she walked, “A new rune came to me today. I think it might be useful.”

Clary thrust a piece of scrap paper at Magnus, on it was a rune, but not one that Magnus recognised. Not that that meant anything. Clary was often gifted with visions of previously unknown Marks, but few she had seen were as beautiful as this one. The rune was all gentle curves and lines that reminded Magnus of a flower unfurling. It spoke of calm and peace and renewal.

“What is it?” He asked in a hushed voice.

“I don't have a name for it yet, but I think it is like an  _iratze_ , but for the soul” She looked up at Magnus, before looking over at Alec. “I don't know how it will work, but I have this feeling in my gut that it is important, and I had to show it to you.”

Magnus tore his eyes away from the beautiful rune that swirled around the page. He hated the idea of using an untested rune on Alec when he was in such a vulnerable position, but Clary had never been wrong before. “Come with me.”

Magnus led Clary and Jace into the kitchen; they stood back as Magnus went and crouched in front of Alec again. He hadn't moved, but his eyes followed the movement of the people around the room. Magnus ran his knuckles over Alec's cheek, “Clary had a vision of a new rune. She thinks it might help.”

Alec looked down at the piece of paper Magnus was holding, “It's beautiful.”

Magnus smiled, “It is.”

Alec turned his head towards Clary and Jace. With a stab of shame, he registered the look of pity on Jace's face. His  _parabatai_ standing at Clary's side, with a looking at Alec as if he was a wounded animal he couldn't help. Alec shut his eyes. “What does it do?”

Clary bit her lip, “Well, I don't know _how_ it would work exactly, but I can tell you it is a rune to heal the mind.”

Gentle fingers touched his face, opening his eyes again he saw Magnus's beautiful eyes, glamour dropped, staring intently into his own. “I don't know how it would work either, but nothing about this rune speaks of anything negative. It's actually quite calming to even look at, to be honest. It makes my heart feel...” Magnus furrowed his brow as he searched for the right word, “Warm,” the warlock met his partner’s eyes, “It gives me the same feeling in my soul as having you sleeping happily in my arms.”

Alec considered it. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been marked with an experimental rune. It's not like he had anything to lose here, right now, he wasn't sure he could feel anything at all. “Ok,” he murmured, shifting slightly to roll up his sleeve.

Magnus gently grabbed his wrist, “Darling, I feel like this one might need to go a little closer to your heart.”

Alec looked up and met Clary's gaze. She nodded gently, “I think Magnus is right. If just  _feels_  like it needs to be there, needs to be close to your soul...”

Biting the inside of his cheek gently, he peeled off his hoodie and dropped it to the ground. He watched with a kind of clinical interest as Clary and Jace noted the marks on his hip. Clary went to open her mouth, and Magnus shot her a warning look. She stepped forward and produced her stele instead since Alec still had not had his returned to him. “Do you want to Mark him, or if you rather I do it...” Clary trailed off as she looked at Magnus questioningly.

“It's ok; I think I've got this.” Clary handed him her stele and took a step back. Jace wrapped her in his arms, pulling her against his chest. She was glad he was there, to see Alec like this... He looked like a hollowed out shell like his  _spirit_  wasn't there. Clary couldn't begin to imagine how Jace was feeling. Alec was meant to be his partner, but Jace couldn't help fight the demons that plagued him now.

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec's forehead before checking Clary's drawing with one hand and readying the stele with the other. Gently, he began to trace the Mark over his lover's chest, the centre of the mark sitting right over his heart. The rune glowed red hot, before starting to fade to black. Alec's face stared impassively at the top of Magnus's head, betraying no sign of discomfort at the burning of the rune.

Suddenly, Magnus sat back on his heels and admired his handiwork. His eyes looked up to Alec's face. Alec had his eyes closed and his hands resting lightly on his lap. A shiver ran through his body, and some colour seemed to return to his cheeks. He took a deep breath and released it as he opened his eyes. He blinked, and tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.

Everyone in the room held their breath.

Slowly, a tentative smile played across Alec's lips. It was small, and it was hesitant, but it was definitely there.

It was Jace who spoke first, “I had no idea how much pain you were in.”

Magnus snapped his head up to look Jace in the eye, “What do you mean?” There was the barest hint of warning in his voice. A reminder that if Jace made this about him Magnus would lose it.

Jace took a breath before walking over to his _parabati_ and embracing him. “Everything must have come on so slowly, I never noticed your pain. But now with the rune…” Jace took a step back from Alec, “You never notice how much something hurts until it stops.”

Alec took a second and looked around the room at his friends, “It’s doing _something._ It’s not magically fixed, but I don't feel so...'  _Dispair ridden? Hopeless? Disconnected?_  “Shit,” he finished somewhat lamely.

Magnus smiled and stepped into the space Jace had left behind, wrapping his arms around his lover’s shoulders.

Jace let out a slow chuckle, “Well that's a win then.” He looked down at the other two men and then down at Clary, “Babe, I need to eat something, why don't we go get some food?”

Clary looked confused, “But shouldn't we...” Jace cut her off, whispering quietly in her ear in an uncharacteristically sensitive moment, “I think Magnus has got this, let's give them some space.”

“Oh, right...” Clary turned to the couple at the table, “We'll just head off then...”

Magnus didn't turn to look at them; his gaze was still fixed on Alec. He waved in their general direction as Jace and Clary showed themselves out.

Once he heard the door close, Magnus swept Alec up into his arms and carried him to the couch. He sat him down, wrapped him in a throw rug and pulled Alec into his chest. “So how do you really feel?”

Alec paused and considered his answer, “I feel like I can think. Everything is a little bit clearer. I also feel like I need to spend a day crying for some reason. No idea if that's a good thing, though.”

Magnus smiled a little, “Maybe it means you are actually going to deal with the feelings you have instead of just pushing them down and bottling them up?”

“Maybe. I still think and feel the same things, but I feel like I can look at it a little objectively?” came the response.

Magnus mummed in reply.

“But I only agree to actually deal with this shit if you stay exactly where you are until these feelings you speak of stop betraying me by leaking out of my eyes.”

Magnus chuckled, “Deal.”


	9. Chapter 9

Alec spent the day sitting on the couch with Magnus. Clary's rune had definitely done  _something_. It wasn't as if Alec opened his eyes and everything was fine, it was more like he opened he could actually put words to his feelings, and perhaps it was wishful thinking, but the heavy weight that Alec had been carrying in his chest seemed to have lessened. Whatever the rune had actually done, the outcome was that Alec felt less....  _lost._

While he sat with Magnus, they talked. Not always about anything important, but it was probably the longest conversation Alec had had in months. For the first time in a long time, Magnus's kind words and reassurances seemed real, rather than sounding like he was speaking about someone who had no connection to Alec. He allowed himself to be comforted, allowed Magnus to tell him that he was loved and that Alec wasn't pathetic or worthless and in return, Alec told Magnus the things he had kept hidden out of shame and fear. As he spoke, Alec began to put pieces together, each time something dropped into place Magnus paired it with a new round of reassurances.

The sun had set and night had started in earnest when the rune stopped burning. Alec felt exhausted. The rune over his heart had been hurting gently for most of the day, but now it had begun to fade. Apparently, Alec had exhausted its power. Doubt started to seep back into his mind. Fears that Magnus was being driven by pity, that Jace would see him as weak, that no one would trust Alec. Guilt that his ability to function during the day might depend on some stupid rune...

Noticing the change that had begun to sweep over his lover's face, Magnus touched his fingers lightly to Alec's cheek. “What is it?” His tone was gentle, concerned, but something about it set Alec's teeth on edge. 

Alec shook his hand off, “Nothing. It's late, it's been a long day. I think I need to go to bed.”

Magnus's eyes narrowed, “You know most runes only have a limited life right? Nothing wrong with that...”

“What are you saying?” Alec's face was impassive.

“I'm saying that the rune might need to be redrawn every now and then. And that there is nothing wrong with that.”

Alec stood and stalked into the bedroom, he needed a shower, showers make everything better. With irritation, he realised that Magnus was right behind him. He spun around to face his partner, “And what if I don't want to rely on a rune to get by?”

Alec ripped off his shirt and threw it into the corner of the room as he continued to make his way to the bathroom, “What if I don’t want to use this…” He pushed a hand through his hair, “this _crutch._ ”

Magnus cocked an eyebrow, “How is this any different from using a rune to help you see in dim light or using a rune to increase your stamina or strength? Are you telling me you don't rely on those?”

Alec huffed out a breath and rolled his eyes, “That's  _different_. That's making me better. This is something I should be able to do alone.”

“Alexander, you don't need to make life harder than it needs to be. I know Shadowhunters pride themselves on their strength, and isn’t doing something that is uncomfortable but beneficial, a sign of that strength?”

Alec turned around and walked through the bedroom and into their en-suite.

Magnus followed him, “Are you going to stand there and tell me that you don't even feel a  _little_  better after talking today?”

Alec braced his hands on the bathroom sink, his back to Magnus. Magnus placed a hand on Alec's back, feeling the tense muscles shake under his fingers. After a long pause, Alec spoke, “I don’t know Mags, I just....” his voice faltered.

Magnus leant against Alec's side, letting him feel the warmth of him, “Love, you don't need to feel guilty for needing help. It isn't a weakness.” Magnus looked in the mirror and saw that the rune had faded to faint silvery scar. “The chances of you needing the rune forever are small. I have a feeling that it will last longer and longer each time and each time it fades you will notice less and less. Maybe one day it will fade away, and you won't even notice.”

Magnus pressed a kiss to Alec's shoulder, “You don't have to hurt like this all the time. Please, let me help you.”

Alec considered it, the brain sludge was coming back, and he was finding it hard to hold on to thoughts. The rune was clearly a temporary thing, it had faded after only a few hours. But Magnus was right, in those few hours, Alec was able to actually discuss what he was going through. He was able to make some sense out of it. Raising his head, he nodded slightly.

Magnus conjured Alec's stele and placed his hands on Alec's shoulder, gently asking him to turn around. Alec complied and leant back against the bench. Magnus smiled at him as he raised the stele and began to trace the fading Mark.

Once he was finished, Magnus began to run the shower and helped Alec finish stripping off. Guiding him into the warm spray of water, Magnus pressed a kiss to the refreshed mark on his boyfriend's chest.

°ºOº°

Magnus had been right. Over the coming months, the Mark took longer and longer to fade after each time it was reapplied. Alec still wasn't a fan of needing to carve a rune into his skin to make it through the day, but he had to admit, it did make a difference.

Alec was still cagey around meals, it had been tough to accept that Magnus saw them as a non-negotiable part of the day. Over the course of several weeks, is friends had made it clear that taking the time to eat was an important part of their work. He wasn't sure how they were doing it, but even Simon and Clary were dropping gentle reminders that giving his body fuel wasn't something to be ashamed of. Alec strongly suspected that Magnus had organised secret meetings to plan their movements.

Alec went back to training and, after awhile, he resumed field work. At the end each day Alec would find himself sitting down with Jace, Isabelle and Clary and talking. Alec knew it was for his benefit, they wanted to make sure that he never felt isolated, but coming together and talking things out at the end of the day seemed to be doing good things for everyone. Alec noticed that Isabelle was less defensive about her own mistakes and Jace had stopped ribbing Clary so mercilessly when she got things wrong. They all made it quite clear that no-one was expected to be perfect and apparently that attitude was rubbing off.

Alec's relationship with Magnus had only improved as well. Alec no longer felt shame at needing to lean on his partner from time to time, and Magnus always welcomed him with open arms. It had added a new depth to their relationship. Alec felt safe and supported, and to Magnus's surprise, so did he. He didn't hesitate to share his insecurities with Alec, and the two of them grew to become comfortable discussing their fears. Magnus realised that he had never shared that level of intimacy with anyone before, he had never been with someone he trusted so implicitly with all of him. The good, and the bad.

One night, they lay in bed. Magnus was tucked into Alec's arm, his head resting against his chest. Magnus was indulging one of his favourite past times, tracing the runes on Alec's skin when he noticed something. He tapped the spot over his companion's heart, “Did you realise that it's completely faded now?”

Alec opened an eye and looked down at his gorgeous man. He considered him carefully, “I hadn't actually... It feels like ages since I last drew it on.” Alec entwined his fingers with Magnus's as Magnus spoke, “Looks like I was right after all... I told you that you would be okay without it eventually.”

Alec chuckled, “It  _is_ all about you being right after all”, he paused, “but yeah... You were.”

Alec raised himself on an elbow and Magnus pushed him down and shifted to lie on top of Alec. Lazily, he smiled down at his boyfriend's face. Magnus looked smug, “Do I get a prize for being right?”

Alec rolled his eyes and huffed out a breath, “I don't know, mayb—"

Magnus cut him off with a kiss. Alec laughed, and he could feel his smile against his mouth. Magnus would never tire of Alec's smile, but as he nipped at Alec's bottom lip it was replaced by an expression Magnus liked even more. Releasing Alec's mouth, Magnus began to kiss his way down his Shadowhunter's body, a soft moan escaped Alec's throat.

It was Magnus's turn to smile, “Do it again”, he said, his voice low.

The reply came breathless, “Make me.”

Magnus grinned like a Cheshire cat and proceeded to precisely that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we're up to date for TV canon! And fixed up some of the shitty writing , no all of it, bc I'm still the one writing it, but some of it.  
> I'm going to do either a sequel or some one shots, we'll see how it goes, but the plot bunnies are nibbling at my toes.

**Author's Note:**

> Also I now have tumblr, so drop by and say hi!  
> catelynjoneswrites.tumblr.com


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